SynSational Speaks.....

A Meme

2007-01-22T06:33:00.000-08:00

Until I feel like writing my next post, this will have to do. This was swiped from Tenacious aka my MT, who swiped it from our girl, Curly.

1.How tall are you barefoot?
5 foot 3 inches and a HALF. Very important 1/2, thank you.

2. Have you ever flown first-class?
Nope....I hate flying, period.…

3. One of your favorite books when you were a child? The entire Baby-Sitters Club, Sweet Valley Kids, Twins, and High series and all Judy Blume books (I HAVE TO DITTO Tenacious on this one)

4. A good restaurant in your city? Jalepeno's

5. What is your favorite small appliance? Man, I don't know...my blender, I guess. Geesh.

6. One person that never fails to make you laugh? My youngest...he's a nut.

7. Which TV dad will you resemble and why? Um, probably crazy Fred Sanford, cause he always just says whatever the hell. LOL

8. What was the first music that you ever bought? Salt-n-Pepa's Hot, Cool, & Vicious...and Slick Rick. Memories.....

9. Do you do push-ups? Yeah, I do push-ups, off of someone's body when I'm getting up. Oh, you mean, the exercise...nah, I don't.

10. What was one of your favorite games as a child? Doing drill team stuff that our entire block made up. LOL

11.What is the one thing that you cook that always receives compliments? Lasagna and mac-n-cheese...so what you asked for one, I gave you 2.

12. When you were twelve years old, what did you want to be when you grew up? An anchorwoman.

13. Your favorite Soup of the Day? Chicken noodle soup

14. What in your life are you most grateful for? My children, their health, my health, and our strength.

15. Have you ever met someone famous? Buck O'Neil, and some Chiefs players here around town. Not the ones I want to meet and take advantage of, but anyway.

16. Date Of Birth? October 22, 1976

17. Top 3 thoughts at this exact moment: I'm hungry, is it almost time to take my pill?, why hasn't this lady called me back from the school?

19. Name five drinks you regularly drink: water, RED Kool-Aid, Papaya Punch, Pineapple Orange juice, and ummmm, Hi-C drink from McDonalds.

20. From what news source do you receive the bulk of your news? KMBC Channel 9, kansascity.com

21. Current hair? Pulled back in ponytail, man, I need to wash my hair. I'm sick of my damn hair. **sigh**

22. Current worry? When will I get my W-2? Will I find me a car that I like and can afford?

23. Current hate? Not being able to go to school full time.

24. Favorite place to be? At home relaxing with my kids NOT getting on my nerves.

25. Least favorite place to be? WORK...plain and simple...WORK.

26. Do you consider yourself well organized? Not really, I need to work on that.

27. Do you believe in a afterlife? Yes

28. Where do you think you will be in 10 Yrs? Getting ready for my youngest to walk across that stage and head to college, will have my nursing degree, nice house, nice car, and loving my career. Maybe married, only God knows.

29. Do you burn or tan? I'm a light bright, so yes, I burn easily if not careful, and I tan somewhat...it's weird.

30. Hey?!??! Where's number 30? Someone's going to need to add a question for #30 on down the line here....oh well.

31. Are you more optimistic or pessimistic about the future? I think I'm optimistic

32. Last time you had an alcoholic drink? A couple of weeks ago when I went out with my boy.

33. What songs do you sing in the shower? I don't.

34. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a kid? Freddy Krueger, Jason

35. What’s in your pockets right now? Nothing....tells you I'm broke.

36. Last thing that made you laugh? When someone told me they wanted me to be their 'lady'. Made me seem old and him too, hell. LOL I was like, lady? Not his woman, his lady.

37. Best bed sheets you had as a child? A 50's like one that had ice cream sundaes, music notes...records, it was colorful and cute. Matched my room (which was purple) beautifully. LOL

38. Worst injury you’ve ever had? Luckily, just a fractured pinkie just from trying to catch a ball in 3rd grade.

39. Favorite song? I don't have one right now.

40. How many TVs do you own? Three

41. In the last calendar year, how many people have you told that they love you? Ok, wait, how many people have told me that they love me OR how many people I've told that they love me? Meaning, I just said, yeah, you know you love me, fool? LOL....my kids, my family, DT, VT, and EW have all told me they love me.

42. Last thing that made you blush? Gettin a very nice pic from my friend, LC.....yummy.

43. Best compliment received? I have well-behaved kids.

44. What leaves you speechless? When this one man made a comment about me and his son basically getting fat over the years. I was like, WTF? Talk about pissed....

45. What is your favorite book? anything by my favorite authors I could read over and over (DITTO on what Tenacious said)

46. Last meal you cooked for the opposite sex? My sons are the opposite sex, so they count, I think it was some tacos.

47. What songs do you want played at your wedding? I want my cousin to sing 'Ribbon In the Sky' and another song (just haven't thought of which one yet)...

48. What song do you want played at your funeral? I want Eye is on the Sparrow sang

49. What were you doing at 12 midnight last night? Sleep

50. What would you like to accomplish with the remaining years of your life? Most importantly, to raise respectable children who go on to accomplish big things and keep a level head. Be able to live happily ever after with that special someone and be just where God wants me to be.

Getdafockouttahere...are you SERIOUS?

2007-01-19T12:19:00.000-08:00

Ok, so this post is going to have 2 main topics. But I promise, I won't keep you long. **snickers** I'll try not to. hehehehe I have that Tenacious-itis when I get to talking. LOL

I'm on the phone with my cousin Renee the other day and we get on the subject of my cousin, Latrice. Background info on my cousin, Latrice. Mother of 5, yep, 5 kids. Her first 4 are all girls...stair steps....then comes her son, bad ass. Anyway, Latrice is not my only cousin who has all those kids like we're back in 1950 in Arkansas. But, I'm not talking about my other cousin today. Back to Latrice. Back in my early 20's, me and my cousins would throw all kinds of house parties every time you turned around, so we saw each others significant others a lot back then also. Her last 2 children have the same father, and he used to be at our parties along with his sister, who I'll call Shanae. Latrice and Shanae, were TIGHT. I mean, when you saw one, you saw the other. Ok, didn't think nothing of it, right? So then after Latrice has her son, she comes out the closet. Yea....the, yeah, I'm 'licking clits now' closet. Yeah, we are all like, WTF? 5 kids later, and you're now out the closet?

So then it starts leaking that her and Shanae were messing around, and were each others first lesbian partners. Don't know how true any of this is, but I think back on things Latrice used to do when we were younger, and I think she's always been bi-curious, so to say, so I don't think Shanae was her first. But hey, I don't know. So, anyway, next thing we know, Latrice is full blown lesbian. So, we're like dayum, you serious, huh?

Things start getting weird to me. Seems like everywhere I turned around during this time, chicks I knew who were riding the dyck like champs, were now proudly walking around proclaiming their love for some other chick. Then I start noticing that all these same chicks were ones that had been hurt one way or another by a dude they were madly in love with (but haven't we all???), and then some lesbian came and was in their whispering sweet nothings about this and that and they can treat you right, and bam, they are turned the 'f' out. Shytttt...not me. They can come at me all they want, cause like I told Tenacious, they seem to flock to me also, but I'm strictly dyckly. Don't care how much I have to say it, I'm not with it. Sorry, I'm not. I'm not trying to hear nothing they have to say. Anyway, back to Latrice.

Mind you, she has 5 kids by this time, and her son is a newborn. Enters her new chick.....her boo. Things gottttt craaaazzzzaaay. They are lovers, she's bringing her to family functions, and all of this. We're like, damn, for real, for real? So their living together and all of this (yea, with her kids.....) and then we hear that their having a 'commitment' ceremony. ***blank stare*** You can have all the ceremonies you want, this is Missouri and it still ain't legal. Seriously....I'm still, once again thinking, she's doing some crap just to be doing it. I mean, REALLY. So they have their ceremony, yea, no one from our family went. Maybe her mother and brother, but her sister didn't (she's FOUR kinds of crazy her damn self), and I damn sure know I didn't.

Fast forward 5 years, her and this chick have been together all this time, right?

So, my cousin Renee calls me and she starts telling me that Latrice's baby daddy has came over there one day when he's dropping off the kids and he's saying all of this stuff to her about he wants them to try again, and he wants to be with her, blah, blah, blah. What does Latrice do? What you think she do? She starts thinking about what ole dude said, and bam, she breaks it off with her chick. Daaaaayyyyuuum. Like that? You were 'committed' to her. I mean....what? Lil Man (cause he short as hell, and skinny) came said this and that, and you gone get back with him. What if it doesn't work out? You going back to ole girl? I see a see-saw effect coming on.

Now, like I told my cousin Renee, she better watch her back, cause a chick scorned is worse than a man scorned, and please believe I've known some lesbians who will jack up your world and stalk the mess out of you worse than a man. I've seen it happen to people I know. Latrice's partner is in this depression funk since this has happened, and get this, they are still staying under the same roof. Disaster waiting in the wings if you ask me. Seriously. How you sleeping peacefully in the same house with someone you've just jacked over? **shakingmydamnhead** People are nuts.....I'm waiting for more details to see if Latrice marries ole boy, or if her ex woman, partner, or whatever, jacks up her world in a major way. **sigh**

Now, what would be post be without news about my stalkers or just talk of my men....past or present? Not a true SynSational post. So, here is a short tid bit of info that I found out last night. My main stalker who seriously had a sista shook, I mean, he is the only one that when I see him, my heart is about to jump out my chest cause I'm on alert ready to 'f' somebody up. Just tense. He's stalked me at work, at church, on Blackplanet, thru email, on the phone....just nuts. Anyway, I find out from a friend of mine that he tried to kill his damn Moma....HIS MOMA. I was like, um, I can see him flipping on her. Why? See, I think his problems stem from his relationship with his moma. He has some serious issues with her and I know they turned into hate over the years....He's the only child, she's a club whore. Used to leave him at home at a young age alone, while she was nurturing her other baby, the club, 6-7 days a week. So, long story short, I know that's what's wrong with him deep down. I knew when he used to comment about his mother, and comment about the closeness I shared with my kids, what was wrong with him.

Anyway, he tried to choke the shyt out of his mother, punching her in her face and all of that. She got away, ran out the house screaming for help. He got arrested, guess he's in some sort of facility, maybe. Not sure. Just heard that his mother has a For Sale sign in her yard, so I guess she's moving far, far away where he can't find her. So about me....if he did that to his moma, I mean, damn. I've told him before, many times, leave me alone before you get hurt. Not sure if he thinks it was a threat, but I don't make threats. Neither does my family.....so, anyway, your girl is about to get 'licensed and legal' to carry. It's been in my gut to do this, and I feel I have to. He's tried to play the crazy role with me too many times, and I hope he's done messing with me...but, I don't know. Feel me? Never underestimate an idiot. I know I don't.

I know people are wondering (my boy asked me yesterday, then he thought about his damn question and who he was talking to), if you had a gun, would you use it, would you be scared? All I can say is my moma shot guns for fun....I'm always told, I'm truly my mother's child. So, yea...nuff said. I'll do what I have to do. Hitting the range with my cousins is about to be in my schedule. Damn shame I have to think like this, but I refuse to have someone have me walking around in fear. That's not how I live my life. Pray for me, y'all.

Get at me....

And my mouth still hurts.....

2007-01-17T06:40:00.000-08:00

Hey all. I need to get back on this blogging thing, and blog more often. I'm trying, I'm trying.

Yesterday I had my routine dentist appointment and it was the day that I had to get part one of my routine deep cleaning. See, I have this condition where I have to get the deep cleaning done once a year because my gums aren't as strong as some people's, so me doing this prevents bone loss, which prevents me waking up one day and my teeth are laying next to me. Which by the way, happened to my Aunt who is petrified of the dentist...I'll blog on that another day. LOL
Anyway, I have to get this done, on top of my regular cleanings....blah, blah, blah.

Ok, so when they do this, they do it in sections like they can do my entire left side at once, top and bottom, etc. Well, yesterday, I just had them do the lower left side of my mouth. Why? Cause I hate the numbing process. It's not natural to get stuck in your mouth with a damn needle. I hate that. Yeah, I always have to get it done, but I wasn't feeling 2 sticks yesterday. But you know what, I should've went ahead and did the entire left side, cause hell, this heifa stuck me in my mouth about 3-4 times to get the anesthesia in. Talk about pissed. Said I was making her feel bad, so she kept stopping. DA HELL? I was sitting still, tense, but still, and I was moaning cause that crap hurts. She should've kept going, get it over with. I mean, she had put some ointment on my jaws to numb it, so I wouldn't feel the needle completely, and it worked, but man, I still felt a little. When she started trying to put the needle in, she's saying relax, look at the pic on the wall. WHAT.THE.HELL? Let me tell you about the damn pic on the wall.....black and white, that's all I can tell you.

Why is that all I can tell you? Cause the light they have shining in your face that is so bright, that if you're out of it and you wake up and see that light, you're going to think you're about to meet your Maker, cause you see 'the light', was blocking the damn pic. So what do I see, grass in black and white. That's it. So tell me again, why I'm looking at this pic? If you want someone to concentrate on a pic to keep their mind off of pain, let's try, Where's Waldo? Not one of those easy ass Where's Waldo, a nice big one, with all kinds of stuff going on. I mean, hell, give me something to think on while you're all in my mouth. Hell, a pic of Boris Kodjoe or Morris Chestnut smiling will do just fine for me. But not some damn black and white pic, which I later saw when I got up was some building or something. Still wasn't interested.

I digress.... so, I'm sitting there waiting for everything to get numb, and I swear I start feeling sleepy and loopy. There is no way in hell, I should've been feeling sleepy. I mean, she was talking to me and I'm looking at her like I had just smoked a fat blunt. I don't even get high. Didn't say I never tried it (about 3-4 times in my early 20's) , but like Craig said on Friday, I dranks....LOL....anyway, she's talking and talking, and I'm thinking, I wonder if I'm looking at her, how I think I'm looking at her. Cause I swear I felt like saying, shut up, lady, please, shut the 'f' up. But I was politely nodding.

So finally, she starts working on my mouth. Thank God for that anesthesia cause I know if I didn't have it, I would've smacked the mess out of her. So, she's talking and talking, and I just have my eyes closed, thinking, man, I'll be glad when this is over. Ok, now, this is where she starts pissing me off. Never fails. You know the suction thing that helps keep your mouth dry when the saliva and water starts forming? Yea, this heifa wasn't on her job on that. I damn near choked on my saliva and the water she was putting in my mouth way too many damn times. I mean, I tried to swallow, but since my mouth was open all wide, all I really felt was my tongue move a little.....ok, my tongue moved...hint to her, I need to swallow before I choke. So here and there, she's suctioning, and I'm relieved...then it builds up again. And she's just talking and talking....and I'm thinking, if I die right here, today, this is going to be some strange shyt. My family better sue. It got to the point where I wanted to grab the thing and say, I got this...you do the cleaning, I'll do the suctioning, but I couldn't talk, and as much as I wanted to grab her arm, I'm heavy handed, I hit like a man (so, I've been told), and don't know my own strength, so I think me NOT grabbing her arm was the best thing. Cause needless to say, she could've found more reasons to do something else to my mouth while I'm sitting there. Pierce my gums with her instruments or something.

So, once again, I closed my eyes, and sighed. Now, tell me why, I open my eyes, cause she's changing instruments or something, and what do I see allllll in my face. One of the damn instruments she still had in her hand. You know, the ones that look like mini hooks. Yeah. I mean, close to my eye. Not like on my eyelash close, but close enough that if she sneezed, I would've been cut. She's just moving around, and I'm thinking, ok, so what, either I'm going to choke to death, OR YOU'RE GOING TO TAKE OUT MY DAMN EYES?!?

I'm sitting there, and I think my mind was playing tricks on me, cause I couldn't move again, and like I said, I should not have been feeling like I was on some gas or something. So, I'm just staring at this instrument like, one wrong move, I'm going home with a eye patch, and my kids are going to be like, damn. **sigh** She finally gets her stuff together, and she finishes up, and I keep thinking, I lived....I lived. Cause I had doubts if I would walk out or be carried out on a stretcher. Seriously.

When I leave there, I have to go get my kids some food. I didn't feel like cooking, so I stop at Couzins Catfish....LOL...yeah, CouZins, and get this, when they call your name for your order, they say COUSIN SynSational....LMAO. And, tell me why their to go cups are those red party cups? Yep...gotta love the cousins. LOL But the food is great. Anyway, I know it'll be a good minute before I can feel my mouth, so I get me some catfish also for later. I go home, and my sons are looking at me like, dang. What's wrong with you? I just went and laid down, and no, they didn't leave me alone.

Slowly but surely, I start getting feeling back in the left side of my face. I'm glad, cause that always bothers me. I feel like I'm drooling and crap, so I hate that feeling. It took 4 hours and 40 minutes for my face to feel normal again. Yeah, I counted. I'll be back in the dentist office on Feb. 1st for my other side to get done. **sigh** I hope I'm more alert that day, cause I know I should not have been feeling spacy like that. Like I said, I think my mind was playing tricks on me, cause when it was time for me to get up, I was feeling just fine.

In the end, it's all worth the pain, to keep my teeth healthy and clean, and the breath kissably fresh. **muah** But I think next time, I'm having one of my 'friends' take me to my appt and wait for me in case of an emergency. LOL

Holla atcha girl......

Lil bit of this, lil bit of that....

2007-01-10T06:45:00.000-08:00

Needless to say, there are all kinds of random thoughts fighting in my head. I need to meditate and think over something's. I told myself I was going to do things different this year, so I am. Well, I'm trying, anyway.

~ Why can't I just 'be still' and wait out things when it comes to relationships? That is the hardest thing for me to do.

~ The above bothers the hell out of me.

~ I know what I want, what I should do to get it started, but why can't I do it?

~ I need more money, so why am I so hesitant to take that leap of faith and get a new job?

~ It's hard to think about finding a new job cause I've been here so long, I can basically, uh, do whatever (take time off when needed, email, blog, etc, all day...**sigh**)...but dang...I need to let it go.

~ I have a friend, I like that friend....I'm trying to wait things out, and not get anxious.

~Anxious....why do I get so anxious on things....that is my downfall, and I want to change that.

~Why is there a lot in my head, but I can't seem to get the words together for everything to come out?

~ I'm in a foul mood today....I need a hug.

~This damn anxiety sucks.....why am I like this?

~Where the hell did my confidence level go? Seriously.

~I need to lose weight. Point.Blank....SERIOUSLY. This is ridiculous.

~Why do I know what I need to do, but yet, it takes an extra boost of motivation....man, man, man.

~I wonder how he feels about me for real. That is bothering me...I want to know, and haven't had a chance to ask him.

~Hopefully this week, I'll know.

~Why do I fear that me and him will stay in the 'friends only' zone.

~Why is HE occupying my mind like this....why, dammit, why. This is not cool at all.

~Why do I still also have feelings for my boy out of town and vice versa, but I know we can't do long distance, so since I can't have him, my in town friend has been heavily on my mind....**heavyasssigh** My life is a friggin roller coaster on things like this.

~ Seriously....I need to get on the ball on this school thing...I mean, jump into it full time.

~Why am I scared to jump into it full time and work at night? I have to do what I have to do for me and mine. Being a single parent, I know it's going to be so hard going full time. Tiresome...but worth it.

~I'm scared....about a lot of things....

~I feel like I'm becoming a punk in my older age. Where did the cold-heartedness go? It shows up here and there, but why can't it stay? I think I'm better off when it's here.

~Why can't I just think to myself, whatever happens, happens, and leave it at that?

~ My mood today sucks...did I mention that already?

~Is there a pattern in the meaning of my words, but just phrased differently thru out these thoughts? I think so....

~ Damn, damn, damn....I need a hug among a lot of other things.

~I'm about to hop on that yellow brick road, cross the state line to Kansas, so I can talk to that damn Wiz about courage, strength, and some more crap I can't even think of, but I know I need right now.

~Not even sure why The Wiz even popped in my head.....damn shame.

~I want to move out of my apartment.....but that's the least of my worries right now.

~Last night as I sat waiting for my youngest to get out of choir rehearsal (he plays the drums at church), I was thinking, man, I was just sitting last night waiting on my oldest to get out of basketball practice....why did I damn near cry? I'm tired, y'all....tired of doing it alone. Going from A to Z...alone...all the time. **sigh** Yep, it's my life, I accept that, but I'm tired. Superwoman gets tired, too.

~I'm not in the mood for a gang of questions and the people I work with are having one of those, 'Let's Ask Shari' days.....uh, did I just give my real damn name? Whatever, man.

Holla atcha girl.....

2006: Been there, Done that, Still moving forward

2007-01-05T08:44:00.000-08:00

Do you know how much energy it's taken me to even THINK about what to write on my first post for '07? I mean, yeah, I knew I wanted to do a year in review, of course, but man, that's a lot of damn thinking, and I really wasn't up to it. Still not for real, but I'll try. I haven't posted since 12/21, so I thought I would get on it. Here's a re-cap of things I've went thru and things I've learned in 2006:

The beginning of '06 was sour for me. My male best friend died (and yeah, he REALLY died *tsk*) of leukemia. That was a hard thing to handle and it took me quite awhile to adjust. Our conversations were always in my head, when things went down, I was like, man, I need to call Jay or wait til Jay hears this. Then it would hit me, I can't. When someone would call with a number close to his, I would freeze and analyze their number...it was crazy.

In '06, I called myself weeding out all the bullshitters in my life. At times, I was successful. Other times, I would fall prey to it again. I've cut ties with people that I know do me no good, and only want certain things from me. I have no need for those people in my life. They still try, and I keep ignoring them. Even got a text that said, 'It's a new year, are you thru not talking to me'. My silence should let him know that nothing's changed, just the year, but yeah, he'll be mentioned in several posts in '07, I'm sure. Damn, DL, damn...let it go, bruh, let it go. LOL

I formed a friendship with someone whom I hold very dear to my heart early in '06. We share the same birthday and we've had our ups and downs (man, have we), our friendship has been tested, but I know they are a life long friend. You know your friendship is deep, when you are trying to tell them something, and you are in tears and you don't know how they'll take it. I don't cry for people unless I really, really care for them. When that happened to me, I was like, whoa, cause that's not me at all.

I've learned to brush a lot of things off my shoulder and move on. I'm controlling my attitude and temper way more than I used to. Something's just aren't worth me getting my 'pressure' up. LOL But trust, I still get heated about things from time to time, and will actually feel my heart beating really fast. I refuse to stroke out at 30 over some b/s. So I'm still working on controlling my temper. But, this week has been really hard for me, so my new year once again started out sour, I mean, at 11:57 on New Years Eve, I was pissed.....and to think, it's dealing with the same family I was grieving with at this same time last year. Yea, my best friend who passed, his family is testing me. Long story, but they are testing me and mine. Just waiting to see how this all plays out. Anyway, I digress....

I've restored my relationship with my female best friend of 18 years. We were distant for a minute, but we are back tight again. I'm so glad.

In the land of blogger, we've all seen someone fake their death, try to cover that ish up, then turn around to apologize or email people trying to somehow get back in good graces with those they've burned. I wrote my email telling them how I felt and left it alone. Karma is STILL a beyotch, no matter the apologies. Sorry, that's just how I feel. All kinda lies unfolding in the midst of this nonsense from that person and others. When will people learn, everything comes to the light.

Some of my favorite bloggers (whether I posted on their spot or was lurking) have decided to give the blog thing up and move on to better things. I wish them the best, but dang, what am I supposed to do at work now if erbody stops blogging, dammit! LOL

I used to keep people as friends when we didn't work out, and be cool with them. Nah, not anymore....I learned the hard way that just keeps more heartache in my life. Took me awhile to learn it, but I did. I do have some friends who are ex's who I had a tighter friendship with, but only a couple. For some reason, it was hard for me to let people go, so I kept the friendship. Not anymore. I cut all nonsense quicker than people can say the first part of my name.

My bluntness has gotten worse....maybe because I'm getting older? I don't know. If so, man, I'm going to be a pistol when I get old. LOL It was bad already, but now it's way worse. I say what I want to get out, and keep it moving....if you're feelings are hurt. Sorry. In '05 I thought I learned how to think before speaking, but I guess I didn't. LOL My tongue has left many people with that blank stare looking at my back as I walk away or hearing that 'Click' on the other end. I say what I mean, and mean what I say, and when I have to prove that point to people, hey, it's straight with no chasers.

I've learned to always, always, trust my intuition. Helps me weed out the b/s quicker. If I know something deep down, I used to give people the benefit of the doubt, thinking, I was just 'noid from past experiences. But this year, man, my intuition has been RIGHT on the money. Not allowing me to sleep if something wasn't right. I've literally woken up at 5 am and investigated somethings and cut people loose by 5:30 am. And it would be just a slight feeling, and I would be right.

I used to be so down because I want a 2 parent home for my sons, and whenever it felt like I was close to having it, something always happened. But even though I knew it, I had to remind myself, so what you're single...you are the mother of 2 handsome young men. Yeah, we have our trials, but it could be worse. Much worse. I don't get calls from school, they aren't bringing home D's & F's, and not caring. There are kids my sons age walking thru the streets cussing out each other and not caring if grown ups are around. Kids that are robbing stores with sawed off shot guns at the age of 12. My oldest son is 12. It breaks my heart that a lot of kids are so lost, and their parents don't seem to give a damn. I thank God for my sons. Their health, their behavior, their respect, their willingness to learn about God and praise God. I'm blessed. I have a long road ahead of me in raising them, but I'll keep doing my best, and if it's as a single mother, so be it. What we fail to sometimes realize is, God knows best. We don't.

2006 has been somewhat of a rough year, but honestly, I can't complain because I've made it to 2007 with my health and strength, and all the trials I've been through didn't hinder me from learning the lesson. That's what counts. Life is about lessons and moving on. That's what I intend to keep doing in '07. Live, learn, and move on to the next phase.

Who knows, maybe me and that special someone will connect in 07. If not, I won't let it bother me (or try not to). I'm human, I want love in my life. No matter how cold hearted I can be with people, when I find love, I'm the best I can be. I've always been like that with people I really care about. I'm cold hearted to people who I know think they can mess over me.

In '07, I hope to gain the strength I need to keep pushing towards my goal of being a nurse and the motivation to conquer this task and give it my all. I've been slacking on it, cause I felt so tired, but I'm determined for things to change.

I don't do resolutions because I never stick to them, so why do it? So, I just do what I need to do for me. I hope everyone has a blessed year and I can't wait to hear all the adventures that are to come from my blog family.

Holla atcha girl.

Caring and Sharing....

2006-12-21T06:27:00.000-08:00

As many of you know, I'm a single mother who goes above and beyond to make sure things for my kids are taken care of. As a mother should, I put all of their needs first and foremost. I don't care if it's fees for sports or drum lessons, that takes first priority over my needs.

I have this SuperMom mentality, and I always have. I can honestly say, it's just natural. I get tired, but I keep doing what I have to do for my boys. Anyway, I'm very independent. I can be struggling and it will take a lot for me to ask anyone for anything. I won't ask unless I necessarily HAVE to.

I've been tremendously blessed in my life with people around me who show me and my kids a lot of love unexpectedly. Last year and the year before, I was really struggling trying to handle somethings and take care of Christmas, and this lady at my job delivered something to me from a 'Secret Santa'. The first year, I was like, um, ok, what is this? I opened the card up, and there was $500 in there. WOW! I was speechless, and yep, I cried. True blessing because even though I really didn't share that I was struggling, they knew, and God sent that blessing my way. The second year, 'Secret Santa' gave me $400. Once again, speechless. When you receive blessings like that, you realize that you've touched people lives in some shape, form, or fashion to be thought of enough for them to do this for you. For that, I'm grateful. I really am.

The other night I was at McDonalds and I paid for my food. The total was $11.36, and I paid the boy with a $20. Ok, so he gives me my change, and I take it, and I count it, and I'm thinking, um, this isn't right, is it? So I pull up to the next window and I'm still counting in my head like, I gave him a $20, right? He was supposed to give me $8.64 back, but gave me $18.64. Not sure what was on his mind, but man, $10? I was like, ok, yeah, I gotta give this back to them cause even though he should be more careful, I would hate for him to lose his job or them think he's pocketing money. I'm a true believer in karma and I just kept thinking picturing the scenario when he had to count his drawer that night. The situation I was in at the time could've easily made me want to keep that $10. Someone else might've did just that. Yep, I could've used that for gas money, but I'm talking about what's right and what's wrong. In Sunday School on Sunday (yeah, I know, you think I'm a heathen, but trust, I know I have a lot of work to do on my personal walk...I really do), we were talking about things like this, and the lesson kept running through my head. I told the manager what happened and he looked at me like, dang, you gave it back? He was like, thanks. I just said, no problem. I did what I was supposed to do, now what the manager did with that $10, not my concern, I did my part.

Anywho, this other older lady that worked with me (she just retired) would make me and the boys a basket over the last few years that had everything you could think of for a movie night, including the Blockbuster gift cards. She knows that on Christmas Eve, we do a movie night. Well, this year, the next day after the McD's incident, she came in here to visit and she brings in my basket. I really wasn't expecting her to do this for me again. She came in with her granddaughter, and she was telling me that her daughters church were giving out baskets and her daughter (who shares the same name as me) suggested they make one for me and my boys, because she knew her mother did this every year for me. WOW! Once again, I was touched and speechless. I heard through the grapevine that she knew how much it meant to her mother to do this for me and she knew since her mother retired, she was worried if she would be able to do this for me. Then she hands me cards for me and the boys containing $30. While she was here talking to me, she was like, yeah, I know your 'Secret Santa' retired last year, so now I'm raking my brain trying to think of who it could've been, and I think it was this one man, I used to work for. Had to be...but I guess I'll never know for sure. I just know I'll be sending them a Christmas card through the lady they sent my blessings through. Just to let them know, they'll always hold a special place in my heart.

I know a lot of us have had blessings come right on time in some form or another. It happens to me more so than I can begin to describe in this post. And I do what I can to give back, when I can. I have the giving spirit, and when I'm unable to, I know that I can give in other ways besides showing gratitude through gifts. People tend to be more happier around the holidays, and it makes me wonder, why just then? Why not year-round?

It's understandable, everything isn't going to always be honky doory, so when the holidays come around, why is it easier for people to let somethings go and smile it off? Anyway, this post was just to share that people do still care and look out for others. I hope in some way, we all can give back or help out when and if we can. The smallest deed can bring the biggest smile. Sometimes we forget that. I know, I do. Don't just be happy around the holidays, try to do the same year-round.

I doubt if I post on here before Monday outside of comments, so I want to wish everyone a Merry Christmas! **muah**

WHAT.THE.HELL?????

2006-12-15T06:20:00.000-08:00

This past week, a few of the men whom I've tried to put in my past have really shown their behinds. REALLY.

Take a trip back here when I wrote of cutting players and making decisions on my new starting line-up. I think only one of the people I was debating on at the time has respected my space, and hell, he's the one who I was still talking to, just trying to figure things out between us. He hadn't even received his OFFICIAL cut notice yet. It was 'to be determined'.

But them mf'ers who I told to back back, you are no longer needed on the team, oh, they are showing their az, er, behinds (I'm trying to be nice here...).

First, we have DL, my boy who got married back in August, who knows good and damn well he should not gotten married. He's still trying to creep through on me. He can't seem to wrap his mind around the fact that I backed away from the friendship because:

1) We overstepped our friend boundary and messed around when we shouldn't have.
2) Our PHYSICAL chemistry is great, so we need to stay away from each other. It never fails when we are together at my place, we always ended up putting 'mileage' on my bed.

At this time, he wasn't married, but they were living together. I know, I know, dead wrong. That's why I backed away. Told him we were cool, but obviously he tries to have his cake and eat it too, and I'm not going to keep going that route. Yep, I made mistakes with him, and let my hormones take over my rational thinking, but I stepped back. I told him to stop complaining about her to me cause he wasn't leaving her, so he needs to work it out. After backing up, I would receive text messages saying, why are you doing this, we are just friends. I would ignore them...he would call me, I would ignore him. When we would talk, we would have arguments about it. Serious arguments. He doesn't seem to want to let me go. He will back off on the text and calling for a minute, then start back up.

Last week, his wife gave birth to their first child together. So, I'm thinking, ok, cool, he's about to stop calling me....right?

**crickets** RIGHT?

Uh, WRONG! He called me on Wed night...woke me up out of my damn sleep. WHAT.THE.HELL? I was soooo dazed and confused cause I just knew I wasn't seeing his number on my phone. I mean, his wife just had his baby. Trying to save our friendship shouldn't be on his mind. Yeah, I just sent his butt to voice mail. Worry about your damn family, not trying to get my friendship back.

Moving to the next one...VT (just talked about him also in my previous post from this week). He tried to play me a couple of months back and when I finally peeped game and broke away, got him out of my system, here he comes back texting me, calling, and crap. Like ain't no time went by in between our talks, our visits. When we were talking, he claimed he wanted to work towards a relationship, but all I saw us doing was working towards the bedroom all the time.

At the time, I wanted more or thought I wanted more from someone. And I told him upfront, don't lie about what you want. If you just want to kick it, cool, let me know, let me make the decision if I'm down for just that with you. Don't lie to me. What did he do, he lied. I caught that lie, gave him his cut notice after some stuff went down. Now, he's trying to get at me and back in good graces, I guess. Whatever. Saying he misses me, needs to see me, telling me of things he wants to do with me, to me. All of that. I'm just giving a deaf ear to it all...this sucka has been sending me forwards that people send thru text message and crap. He didn't do all of that when we talked DAILY, so why you doing it now? Trying to be all extra friendly, I guess. I mean telling me stuff like, when he gets off work and stuff. I mean, seriously, come on now...dude...what-eva.

Early this morning, this sucka did the ultimate....the damn ultimate. I was having a hard time sleeping after waking up from this disturbing dream, and then my phone rings at 2:50 A.M! Sucka what? Pump your mf'n brakes. You are NOT my man so all that late night calling you doing, is NOT on your list of privileges with the girl. Hell, you don't have a list of privileges with the girl. You lost privileges when the cut notice went in effect.

You barely had those privileges when we talked every day. So you should know now that since I've peeped your game and cut you, you have none, nada, zilch. Why you acting brand new like you didn't know? WHAT.THE.HELL?

Now, I will admit, like I said in the previous post, he came by a couple of weeks ago, and I haven't attempted to call him since. That should tell him something. We have no need to be friendly. Enjoy the smash session and be out. You messed up your chances with me on a friendship level. We have nothing to talk about. If I decide I want to see you again, I'll call you....but last time was a big mistake, so I doubt if that happens again. You put yourself in this position when you lied to me. I'm a damn good friend to people and trying to play me on my kindness will get you in a place that is very hard to come out of it. So, whatever.

Y'all know that call went to voice mail, but hell, I'm pissed. He's begging, I mean begging, to get cussed out by me. Seriously. He's testing me....I've been nice so far. It's 3:28 a.m and I'm up writing the rough draft for this post while I'm good and heated. LOL

Tired as hell, can't go back to sleep and have to get up at 6:15 (at the latest). So I'm about to attempt to go back to bed.

Sidenote from 8 a.m: He's texting me this morning say, wut r u doing? I'm like, uh, at work. He's like, I miss you, I really need 2 c u.... **sigh** Man, whatever.

**Disclaimer: All information in the above post or any post on this blog is the truth and nothing but the truth. Any questions pertaining to potential lies or falsehoods of this blog may be directed towards the blog administrator, who will answer your questions accordingly.**

Rantin' & Ravin'.....

2006-12-11T06:11:00.000-08:00

Yeah, so like I told MT yesterday, I have all kinds of random thoughts in my head....so uh, please bear with me here. Y'all know I can be somewhat 'unstable' (LOL), so um, I might jump from randomness to ranting about something or someone.

Who in their right mind really, really doesn't know how to find out how much gas to put in their car? I mean, REALLY. I'll tell you who....my friend...the 40 year old chick. Yeah, she's not too bright and when she calls me, I think real hard about picking up the phone. She works my nerves really bad. And when I get finished talking to her, I think, and you are raising kids? Man. Anyway, she calls me yesterday evening after we had left church, and she's going on and on about stuff. I'm 1/2 listening, throwing in uh-huh, I dunno, etc, here and there. She just bought a Mountaineer, so she's talking about gas....so she says, I don't know how much it takes to fill it up. So, I'm just sitting there, and she works my nerves bad when she says this: So what do you think? How much should I put in there? **sigh** Man, oh, man. She is dead serious, y'all. DEAD SERIOUS. So, I leave my sarcasm in my head, and I simply say, well, why don't you go get gas, and let it stop on it's own? She's like, I guess I could, huh? I said, uh, yeah. Then she is like, ok, I'll do that tomorrow. I seriously wanted to ask her, have you never just filled your car up and let it stop on it's own? Is this something really new to you at 40? I just got off the phone after that.....and she's raising some damn kids. **smh**

Sometimes I sit and think about all the guys from my past who I wish instead of smiling at them when we first met, I could've looked into my future and realized all the bull that was coming. Instead of smiling, I would've flipped them off and told them to keep it moving. So to BW, DC #1, CW, DC#2, VT, DL...all of y'all should've came with a damn warning. Remember that Sommore joke about men with warnings like medicine bottles. Yeah, I'mma need that to happen....when I smile at him, I need warning alarms to start going off. WARNING: THAT SUCKA RIGHT THERE IS GOING TO STALK YOU 7 YEARS AFTER BREAKING UP...DON'T DO IT, GIRL. **sigh** Sad, but true...I broke up with CW Jan. '01, it's almost Jan. '07, and yeah, he's still calling and stalking asking me what happened. Um, ok.....wish I had a warning. I haven't heard from him in about a month, so I hope he's finished....I have a feeling I'm going to have to hurt him one day. Seriously.

I have feelings for someone that I'm trying to keep in check cause I don't want things to spiral out of control....hard as heck. You know once you give someone control over your emotions, stuff gets jacked up. So, I try not to think about the relationship we could have. Only thing stopping us is distance. He won't be able to move here for another year or so....he's trying to teach me patience, and um, patience is not my strong point. Whatever happens, happens. Until then, I'm doing me.

I have some great friends who I enjoy talking to...big ups to LC. He makes me smile a lot. Our convos are great...not boring, not strained, just cool. For that, I look forward to the convos.

When you stop sweating people after they put you through crap, they will start sweating you....never fails. VT took me through a whirlwind a few months back, and I left him alone. Then he start calling me back some time last month wanting to come thru, at first I said, no, then I called him and let him come thru a couple of weeks ago. Didn't call him back afterwards. LOL....That was kinda wrong, but, let you see how it feels to not be called back, plus, we have no need for convo. Fast forward 2 weeks...He called me yesterday, I was unavailable, saw he left a voice mail. He used to NEVER leave me voice mails. Told me to call him or text him. I text him, sup? He's like, how are you? I knew where this was going...he wanted to come thru. So I tell him I'm fine, he's like, what you doing later. Me: Chillin with my sons....Him: U wanna hook-up...Me: Nah, not today....(but wait, before he got my answer about not today, he sends me another text message also)....Him: You like to be licked? I turned up my face like, no this sucka didn't just send me that. I guess that was supposed to guarantee him seeing me? Wrong.

Yeah, we had kicked it many times, no, the oral route wasn't in those sessions....anyway, I tell him, yes, I like that, but nope, we still wouldn't be hooking up that night. He says, ok, well, when cause I really want to do that for you. I said, really now? He said, yeah, I didn't show you everything before....I said, yeah, I feel you. I didn't show you everything either. He got all excited and was like, cool, we can show each other some more stuff, huh? I said, nope, I'm still not showing you anything else....psssshhhh...he got me jacked up....if I'm not holding convos with you after we hook up, what makes you think, you're getting shown EVERYTHING. Yea, ok. Not me. He was like, that's cool, I still want to see you cause I know I can satisfy you. He said some other stuff I just said, I'll let you know if and when. He said, ok. Fast forward like a hour later....I get another text from him: Do you want me 2? Me: I haven't had time to think about that, so that would be a no. He was like, what's wrong? I said, nothing, I'm cool. He said, ok, just checking. So, something is wrong with me cause I'm not feening for you? Yea, I missed that memo. He texted me this morning checking up on me...I'm good, thanks.

To make matters worse (LOL) or pathetic, I was on the phone with my best friend after all of this took place, and before I could tell her about the text session...she says, so yeah, why did VT ask EJ (her man/my boy) for your number. EJ & VT are boys. So, I'm like, my number? He has my cell number. So we conclude that after he didn't get me on my cell, he wanted my house number, but EJ was like, I don't have it. He has it, he lied cause he knows I didn't really have nothing to say to him. Da hell? My best friend was like, dang, he tracking you down, girl. She was like, you know, you always saying you don't have nobody, but you sure got a lot of ish going on. She said, when I say, I don't have nobody, I have nobody, you, you have options to keep you occupied...LOL...I was like, yeah, whatever. Anyway, as I'm typing this ole boy is still texting me: Be sure to let me know when you're ready for me....I just said, yep. I'm not worried about him.

All that give someone more control over you than they should really have in the first place, while you're hoping that maybe, just maybe, this is different...all of that is for the birds. Don't get me wrong, when I love, I love hard, but I've also lived and learned, and I won't let my heart make my minds decisions anymore, in order to get my love or friendship, they have to be worthy of it, reciprocating it back to me....and trust, people who I call on the late night is not worthy of more attention than that. So, that's where VT has placed himself from past actions and I doubt if he will be able to regain his spot back in my starting line-up.....moving on....

WhenI answer the phone **insert name of business**, DO NOT ASK ME, is this **insert name of business**. I just get silent, sigh, then repeat my greeting.....I need you to listen when you call here.

When you call me at work, I will say my greeting TWICE, if you think you are holding a convo with someone on your end you while I keep saying hello...you're wrong....obviously you aren't ready to talk to me yet, so when you are, get at me. Until then, 'CLICK'.

If I answer in English, why do you automatically start speaking Spanish? Please ask me before-hand if I speak Spanish before you assume, I do. That burns me up and will NOT motivate me to help you. I will just pass you to someone else. My customer service sucks....I need another job.

I have caller ID at work, people. If you call me at 11:45 and ask for someone and I tell you they won't be back until 12:30, don't call back at 12:15 asking for that same person. Cause I will bust you out...as I told you before, she won't be back until 12:30...**crickets**...yeah, don't get quiet now...caller ID, idiot....call back at 12:30 like I told you. I can run down everyone she's called in for by date and time cause she's called in here so much. Been calling every 15 mins since yesterday morning. Da hell?

Yet, I love my job cause I can read blogs all day, email all day in between calls, but man, do I really have to help customers in between? LOL

That's all for now, folks....holla atcha girl.

**Disclaimer: All information in the above post or any post on this blog is the truth and nothing but the truth. Any questions pertaining to potential lies or falsehoods of this blog may be directed towards the blog administrator, who will answer your questions accordingly.**

I Never

2006-12-05T12:11:00.000-08:00

Copped this from T-Cas. The rules of the game are as follows:

I am going to say something that I have never done and if you have done it then I need you either to tell us about it on your blog or in the comments section. Please be sure to let us know that you posted about it. Also, once you have answered truthfully, it is your turn to say something you have never done. It'll be either fun, or incredibly annoying. I'll start off with 3 things I have never done. Let's see how far we can spread this across the blog community.

Here goes:

I've never had a 3Some.

I've never slept with someone I've worked with. (well, not while we were working together...LOL)

I've never faked it during sex. (Believe it or not....I've been known to end the session before I fake it)

Tequilla, Strippers, and a Challenge

2006-11-29T07:25:00.000-08:00

What a weekend it was. MT remember when I was saying that I was interviewing strippers? LOL...M'kay, that party was this weekend. Man, oh, man. First of all, as I was telling T-Cas, I was beginning to not want to go. People were pissing me off already. It was me and my cousin 'A' throwing the event for my other cousin Kay. Me and Kay are one month and a day apart in our birthdays, so we were giving her a dirty 30. No one gave me a dirty damn 30, but I guess that's because I went out of town, but still them hoes could've did it the week after or something...you know, throw me off guard or something.

Yeah, anyway. Kay is very, very, very shy and not into a lot of things. She just recently start kicking it over the last couple of years and drinking and stuff. Basically, the things I did in my teens and early 20's and now calmed down from, she's starting to do now. Ok, cool. So she drinks or whatever now....so my goal of her get together was to get her good and toasted. LOL....can we say mission accomplished? M'kay

Like I was saying, I was getting in the mood where I didn't want to even do it anymore that Friday night, cause 'A' was pissing me off. But T told me I couldn't back out, and I had to go. Yeah, ok, he was right. So despite a few set backs, I got to the get together. They had me make the jell-o shots at home and having me make drinks or anything with liquor, is very dangerous. When they opened the top off the jell-o, it was like dayyyyuuuuummmmm, tequila all in your face. LOL...hey, they know me and how I do things...it's all or nothing. LOL My Mai Tai jell-o shots were off the chain and those chicks tore them up.

While we are waiting for the people and for Kay's friend to bring her, we start taking shots. So, yeah, my cousin and my girl still think I'm the resident alky I guess. I've changed people, I've changed. Just because you need to know drink recipes and I can give it to you, doesn't mean I'm a alky. I'm just um, informed about those things. Ok...moving along....so we get out the tequila, and it's on. Tell me why every time someone new who rolled thru wanted to take a shot, I was the one who my cousin 'A' kept saying, SynSational will take one with you. I'm like, what the hell? But um, yeah, I did. LMAO I think by the end of the night I had taken 7 shots of tequila, not to mention I drunk about 3 (maybe 4) BIG cups of Pink Panties, and had a jell-o shot or 2. But I was cool...my tolerance is high.

People arrive, they are drinking, having fun...but me, I was keeping my eye out for the stripper. I was on watch for him...it was a surprise for Kay's shy butt. I wanted to see how she acted. He arrives, and he walks in...we kinda sorta know each other thru someone, then behind him walks in his 2 boys. One of 'em was alright looking, but the other one....baby was FOINE. Chocolate and tempting as heck....man. Y'all know me....flirt alert. It was a house full of females and hey, me, if I see something nice, I'm going to get my flirt on before the other chicks see the goods. I guess the feeling was mutual because he was in my face the majority of the time. He was there to help his boy, but he wasn't much help. LOL I kinda had him hemmed up with conversation, and what not.

My cousin had secretly included me in as part of the strippers show since my 30th was last month (if she didn't, I would've included my damn self, I mean, I paid for him too, hell)...so on one side of him is my shy cousin Kay, doing all her shy tactics saying OMG, and barely touching him, etc, then on the other side of him was me, not being shy at all. We are so opposite, yet grew up so close. Night and Day....He was great and all, but while he had me on the floor, eagle spread, and then bent over touching my ankles (LOL), I kept thinking, wonder if Chocolate over there can do all of this. After my part in the show, I quickly got off the floor, and made my way over to Chocolate himself...LOL. Had his attention the rest of the night. Then he had to leave (boo hoo), but he got the number...if he calls, he calls. If not, oh well.

Fast foward to after the party, we are getting ready to go to this Jamaican party that this girls man and his crew were throwing. While we are waiting to bounce to that party, all these Jamaican men walk in the house, and one in particular caught my eye...he was nice to say the least (not as nice as Chocolate, but Chocolate was gone..LOL). So he's checking me, I'm checking him, and didn't even notice the white chick behind him looking at me all crazy. Ok, ok, I noticed her, but I played her off...I mean, hell, he was looking at me first. So he introduces himself, I do the same, then I see this chicks hand come in front of my face and introduce herself. You know, making her claim. I look at her, say, yeah, nice to meet you, then look back at him. Yep, scanless, but first of all, I didn't REALLY want him, just flirting, and secondly she just gave me reason to mess with her and him the rest of the night. Please read above again what was in my system while she was trying to lay her claim. Yeah, she basically just challenged me. LOL Sorry, y'all, but she did.

So we get to the party. Ok, cool. It was hype, I got my dance on. But I hate when dudes dance with you and try to lay claim on you. My girl MT calls it a club boyfriend. Yeah, I hate that. This one clearly thought I was his club girlfriend. I danced with him numerous times ONLY because 1) he could dance and 2) everyone else was under their chicks obviously or they weren't dancing. After we danced a couple of times, he tried to pull me in his lap when he sat down. I was like, um, no, I'm going to sit over here sucka. You are NOT my man. Ok, so, later on, I dance again, and again...then I sit my butt down.

Tell me why this same dude comes over to me and sits on my lap? I was just telling my cousins I'm not dancing with him anymore, cause he might think we are about to get engaged and crap. So he sits on me, and I look like WTF? I look at my cousins like you see this, and when I turn back around, I see this BIG AZZ FLASH in my face. Did someone just take a damn pic of me and him....this mf'er is cheesing and I'm looking like, the hell? Am I trippin? Mind you, this sucka is still on my lap cause I couldn't react quickly from disbelief, so I'm like, yeah, you gone have to raise up. He laughs and gets up. I'm like, yeah, it's time for me to bounce out of here. I bet not end up on the internet, dammit. It was hard enough getting them to take those one pics off. LOL...just kiddin'....juuuuusssttt kiddin. I think.

During all this madness at the party, I'm eyeing the dude with the girl, he's eyeing me....yea and his girl was looking at me. Challenge. So when I get up to leave and my whole crew gets up too, I look at him again. I walk slow and I'm counting in my head (5, 4, 3, 2)....sure nuff, what does he do, he backs away from his girl, nods at me. So I stop. Almost caused a collision cause those drunk heifas behind me weren't paying attention...then they snap out of it, catch what I'm doing, and they make their way around me. Just shaking their heads, like here she go again. Anywho, Ole boy is slick with his. I have to give it to him. He pulls his boy over with him, making it look like he was trying to set his boy up with me, but all the while blocking his woman's view. From her view, it looked like he was hooking his boy up, but while he was talking, he was looking at him, but throwing his ?'s out to me. I was thinking, smooth, smooth. Mentally making notes of this cause I'm gone have to try this one day. He's like, what's your name, I tell him, he says what's your number, and his boy is just looking at me. So, I'm playing along and I'm looking and talking like I'm talking to both of them, although my answers were directed to him. It was funny to say the least. I let him know how he could get the number, and I turn to leave. Mission accomplished....I just wanted to let her know that she was trying to lay claim at the house, but I still got her man to come over and talk to me, so yeah, he ain't no good, so you better watch him. Cuz he jut played you in your face. Better watch him. I didn't really want him, but since she was all acting like yeah, trick, he's mine and only mine....I felt a challenge and accepted it.

I went home, text messaged a friend, fell asleep in the middle of texting him, he called cause he wanted to come through and he knows when I stop texting, I'm knocked out (LOL), I told him to wait until the next morning, he said cool...guess he got tired of waiting cause he had texted me about 4-5 times that morning and I didn't answer, so he called me again and woke me up from my sleep, and I told him to come thru cause obviously he wasn't going to let me sleep until he did. He came over, nothing much to tell on that part though.

There you have it...part of my weekend in a wrap.

Holla atcha girl....

The Soundtrack of my life

2006-11-22T07:02:00.000-08:00

I stole this from T-Cas who stole it from Tenacious.

The Rules:

1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool...

Aight, let the games begin....

Opening Credits: "Stuntin' Like My Daddy" Birdman - Um, I sure the hell don't want to do jack like my damn daddy.... ----> Nexxxxxt

Waking up: "Dynomite (Goin Postal)" Rhymefest - What the hell? Will I go postal today? Typical.

First Day of School: "Oh Boy" Cam'Ron- LOL!!! Lovin' it.....

Falling in Love: "U and Dat" E-40 - That's just about how my love life is going right now....smash and run. Basically. Moving on.

Fight Song: "Come to Me" Diddy - The hell...I hate this song....

Breaking up: "Good Love" Anita Baker - I promise, I didn't cheat. LOL

Prom: "Love" Keyshia Cole - Don't like this song either....

Life is Good: "Baby" Ashanti - I'm listening to a customized station on Yahoo, so um, yeah, anyway....

Mental Breakdown: 'Thinkin Bout It" Gerald Levert - Man, if I thought about all the crap I've been thru with people, yeah, a mental breakdown is what would friggin occur. LOL

Driving: "So Sick" Ne-Yo- This is my ish....yeah, I could roll to this.

Flashback: "Age Ain't Nothin But a Number" Aaliyah - LOL...man, not only is this a flashback jam, but seriously all I dated or fell for, for a good while were people younger than me. It just always happened that way, still kinda does.

Wedding: "Mine Again" Mariah Carey - Hmmmm....I'll leave this one alone. **sigh** Nexxtttt

Birth of Child: "Pretty Baby" Eric Benet - The title is fitting, but not the words....

Final Battle: "Just Came Here to Chill" Isley Brothers - I don't wanna fight, I wanna chill, dammit! LOL

Funeral Song: "If It Isn't Love" New Edition - Y'all know I had to listen to this one all the way thru, right....LOL....

End Credits: "Lay Down" Floetry - Fitting....very fitting.

I want to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving. If you're traveling, have a safe trip!

**Muah**

The 'L' Word....

2006-11-20T09:09:00.000-08:00

....And if you think I'm talking about the 'L' word as in 'lesbian', think again. Nothing against those who choose that path, but it's not for me.....I loves me some men, do I ever, and if you read my blog on a regular, you should know that by now. But like my Mind Twin, Tenacious, lesbians seem to spot me anywhere, and migrate towards me. It never fails....but like I said, not knocking 'em, just not joining 'em. LOL

So yeah, I'm speaking on the other 'L' word. Love.

**didIjusttypethatdamnwordwithoutstutterin**

Love...hmmm. Now, let's not get it twisted. I have not given up on my vow with T-Cas to be cold-hearted and embrace the motto, 'We don't love them hoes or bruhs'...LOL...I haven't given up yet. Until I find a man who is going to do right by me and mine. Until then, yeah, I'm standing strong on my vow. Although I did see this dude yesterday that made me say, daaaaayyyuuuum, can you warm my heart? Sheesh....just for a minute? A second? Big teddy bear, tasty looking specimen of a man. I usually don't like big guys, but this one caught my eye, made me bat those lashes, arch that back, freshen the MAC lipgloss on the lips, and check him out like dang baby....where's your woman? He smiled, told me to smile cause it wasn't that bad, I said, I'm smiling, he said, inside, huh? I was thinking, if you only knew, if you only knew......he smiled again. Wonder if he read my mind....I should've got the number....I'm slipping. Man....I'm slipping.

My bad...about 'love'. Someone told me they loved me on Friday. Yeah. It threw me for a damn loop cause um, yeah, I know he used to love me, and I know how I feel about him, but dang, he put it out there. His situation is messy. Real messy. And I'm not trying to put myself out there like that. He wants to be with me, but right now, he can't.

When he told me that, I was like, ummmmmm, dang. For real? Man. I didn't really answer him back so to say. I kinda talked on what he said, and left it at that. I'm anxious to see what else he has to say if we talk today. After I commented on it, I had to leave for the day. No one has uttered that word to me or me to them since the mid part of last year. Was it last year? Hell, to be honest, I forgot what the hell the word actually meant. All that comes attached to that one little word.

I mean, I've talked to a lot of people since my last relationship, but I've never felt close to even loving someone. So when he said it, I was like, love? Then it got me to thinking, how do I really feel about this person? Really. I know how I used to feel about him. But how do I feel now?

I had a few conversations with him not long ago, and if I had another chance with him, I would take it. I feel he's the one that got away. He asked me to marry him, and at the time I wasn't ready. I was 23, I think, and marriage wasn't on my mind. Plus he's in the military and the thought of leaving my family not long after my mother's death, wasn't for me. It's obvious he still has serious feelings for me, and I have some feelings for him, I'm just ignoring them because of certain situations I don't want to get into. I can't expose myself like that. Not now. Not until I know the coast is clear.

This weekend I asked myself, are you thinking about this because you know that you have him wrapped around your finger OR are you thinking about this because you could possibly enjoy being with him again? I think it's the latter. **sigh** Damn, damn, damn, damn, damn. There go those darn feelings.

Why did he have to throw that word out to me like that? That word scares me. Especially in situations like ours. I'm not getting hopeful behind anything because I'm grown enough to know not to set myself up for hurt like that. So right now, I'm just seeing where this word leads us and if he'll keep expressing himself to me, which I'm sure he will, cause that's just how he is. Never fails to surprise me. He's stationed in another state, and I think he's trying to get out of his mess, and get stationed closer to me. Yeah, man....makes me wonder what 2007 has in store for me. Not pondering on it, just wondering.

I'm sure there will be more developing stories on this to come over time, until then, I'm still cold-hearted, T, don't worry. LOL

Get at me....

I wonder if He knows

2006-11-16T07:43:00.000-08:00

Remember that guy that I was thinking about during my smash session with my friend? Well, it was suggested to me to write about him, so I said, bet that. Why not. Damn writing about my other girl whose life story is so draining. I'll write about him.

In some ways he's a mystery to me, but in other ways, I know that if we ever got a chance to hang out for real, we would click in more ways than one. Like I said in my other post, the reality that me and him won't ever step past that friendship mark is there, and I have no problem with that. Don't get me wrong, I would love to show him what a real woman, who is a good woman, can do for his spirit. Show him that yeah, I'm SynSational in all different kinds of ways. But if I never get that chance, I'm cool with our friendship.

I wonder if he knows that I'm kinda sorta feeling him, and I'm not playing about it. But I also know there are some things in my life that he's ok with, and somethings he's leery about it. I understand and respect that.

Does he know that if he were here in KC, I would jump at the opportunity to get to know him better? There's only so much charm you can pour out over phone and email. One on one, face to face, hanging out so he can see way more about me as a person, my actions, habits, etc, and vice versa. What you see with me is what you get. I'm not fake over phone, email, or in person. But he needs to see that face to face.

We are working on hanging out, and I look forward to that.

I wonder if he knows that the shortest convo with him is so cool, just because, he called.

I wonder if he knows I like hearing his voice....it's deep, it's nice. I'm feeling it. He needs to practice saying my name in that deep tone.

**crickets**

um, did I just say that? Oh my damn. Whateva, I'm a grown woman, I can say what I want on my damn blog. LOL

He listens to my stories about the dudes I kick it with, the man I want in my life, and I wonder what he thinks of it all.

I listen to his stories, the chicks he kicks it with, the craziness we both experience sprinkled here and there, and we laugh about it, give each other advice, but I wonder if he knows in my head I'm thinking, if you were here, I would try to make it better.

There's not much else I can really say on this because I don't want to come off like I'm over-eager for him, cause it is what it is, and I'm over eager for no one. If I had a chance with him, cool, but the friendship we've built is way more important to me than seeing if I can be his woman. Like I said, it is, what it is. Whatever happens, happens. I hate when people say that, but in this situation, it's so true.

I'm just wondering, if he knows.

Holla atcha girl.

I Want No Part of this Crap

2006-11-15T09:17:00.000-08:00

I'm going to get straight to the point on this one. I've said before I want a relationship, blah, blah, blah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well this isn't about me today. LOL

It's about my crazy ass friends. Like I said, straight to the point. My best friend...love her to death...but man, right now, she's getting on my nerves. She's never been one to have serious relationships for real. We've been best friends for 18 years, and yes, she's had boyfriends, but they weren't anything serious, then she hooked up with her daughters father and that was her first serious relationship. They were together, um, about 5 years, I say. She got rid of that loser, and she used to always complain that she doesn't think it's possible to have true love, etc, etc. I would always be the one like, yeah, I still believe in it, I'm not giving up. She would always say, Man, damn that, it ain't happening. Yeah, ok, whatever, you aren't crushing what I believe in.

One of our close friends who has been feeling her for a long time (I'm talking about 10 years plus maybe?) finally got a hold of her and they saw each other after 7 years. How about they all lovey dovey now. First she was playing him to the left in high school and after we graduated, now, she's all into him. He's a good man...accepts her child, has a good job, stability, homeowner, is really into her, wants a future with her. I mean, ol' boy is REALLY into her, has been forever, and now that he finally has her, he isn't trying to let her go. Whatever she wants, he's there. He's a good catch, especially since he's been wanting her all this time. I've been wanting them to get together for awhile, now they are in a SERIOUS relationship. Now, tell me why I think my girl is going to mess this up. Why is she about to let a jump-off mess up her future? Hell if I know. She has this jump-off she used to kick it with for a minute, and they fell off for whatever reason. When she got with her present man, jump-off starts flirting with her again. Isn't this how it always happens? M'kay.

Yeah, so the memories of what they used to do are lingering in her head and she's basically tempted. So she tells me she was on the phone with him for a good while the other day and she's thinking of going there one more time. So, I tell her, ok, um, you say your man is giving it to you good, right? She says, yeah, but with this dude it's a different kind of good. I say, ok, I understand that, but, why potentially mess up something good just for a jump-off? In my head, I'm thinking you aren't ready for someone who's serious about you...you just aren't. You can't have both. She's like, how is my man going to find out. I tell her, things happen, crap backfires...trust me. Don't do it. I'm like, you finally have that person you have been waiting for, someone who's good for you and your child and you are about to risk it for a jump-off that you just want to sex up? M'kay. I've told her before not to go there, but man, I think she is...it's out of my hands...the thing is, I've been friends with her man (he's related by marriage) for as long as I've been her best friend. So we are tight, and I hate to see her do him like this. So, if she does, I'm going to tell her when she makes the decision, don't tell me. Seriously. Cause she's wrong and if it comes out that I knew about it, it could blow up in my face and have people pissed at me. I know what you all are thinking, it's on her, but for real, he's my boy/family, and I don't want any part of it. Best friend or not.

I know she's going to go there...man, I know she is. **sigh**

I'll write about my other friend tomorrow cause she needs a whole blog to her damn self.

Get at me....

Things aren't as simple as they seem

2006-11-13T08:48:00.000-08:00

One of my friends came in town this past weekend. I was so tempted to call him a 'jump off', and maybe 6 months back, I would've, but I know that even though we are sex buddies (yeah, Slish, I kept one around...LOL) we talk to each other about this and that, that and this. He's cool.

When I saw him the weekend of our birthday (we share the same birthday), we talked about him coming to KC. He comes up here a lot, and sometimes I see him, sometimes I don't. I tried not to get all giddy about it or whatever cause I didn't want to set myself up for disappointment, but the more we talked, the more I realized I couldn't wait to see him again, and spend more time. Meaning, I couldn't wait for us to talk, but damn, I have needs, and uh, I knew he was going to meet those needs without fail.

As to be expected, when we hooked up late Saturday night....it was on! I mean, soon as I hit the door of his hotel room, it was on. I mean we had exchanged hi's, hey, wuz up, little jokey joke here...but then ol' boy went to work....and all I could think was damn, glad I came. LOL

I'm talking, mind blowing O's (orgasm, oral...LOL), back blown out every time....I can't even explain how I feel when we get together. All I know is as I type this, my arms hurt, my legs and hips are sore, and it's a good sore, fa sho!

BUT, (why is there always a but?) a couple of those many times I was getting my back blown, my mind kept drifting to someone else. Someone I talk to on the phone and have great convos with. We really haven't had a chance to kick it, but maybe in due time. And the weird thing is, I know that the possibility of having a relationship with them is far fetched for a couple of reasons I don't want to get into, but that reality is there. And I'm doing all I can to keep that reality in check.

So basically I'm enjoying his friendship. The thing is, I find myself always racking up cool male friends, but can't find anyone to have anything outside of a friendship with. My friend I was with over the weekend, we tried to work towards the relationship thing before and um, nah, not good for us to be together. Something went down that I know he regrets, and it was a hurtful situation, and I wouldn't put myself back in it. I don't think. Who knows what will happen. We talk on the phone, laugh it up or what not...but I know, and I'm cool with the fact we are better off as friends.

As I keep running into these type of situations, on one hand, I'm glad I'm single and don't have to worry about the stress relationships come with. But on the other hand, I miss being part of a couple and having that steady companionship. I was trying to be cold hearted again towards relationships and all of that, but I think I'm too old to be feeling that way because it's not happening.

I can have a smash session and enjoy it to the fullest, but then leave, like, dang, I want a man.....got my rocks off something serious this weekend, but today, as I sit back and think on it, I want someone special in my life. And truthfully, I feel like it's not going to happen. **sigh** Soooo, T-Cas, looks like I'll be holding up my end of that vow on being cold hearted. Well, at least try to. It used to be so simple, now, I think I'm getting soft. LOL

We'll see in due time.

Holla atcha girl

Friends....Gotta Luv 'Em

2006-11-06T11:48:00.000-08:00

I have to say, I have some great friends. Reading T-Cas's post last week, made me sit back and think about the friends I have in my life who are worth having. Some old, some new. I have a lot of associates, but for the most part, when I need my friends, they are there. I've went thru those times where the ones who weren't good for me, I left them alone...backed away. I think I'm at a place in my life right now, where my friendships are great.

I've made new friends in different cities and I really look forward to all the laughs and convos we have yet to share. To my new friends such as L.C, what can I say....mmmmmm.....can't wait for us to kick it and 'lay' around talking and play around with whatever else might happen. LOL

To Rob, mannnn, our convos are cool. You keep it real and we give each other sound advice about a lot of things. I need that right now on the real....good looking out.

To my girl M.F, I appreciate you like you'll never know. We share so much and it has been done with so much ease. I'm there for you and I know you're there for me, also. Tenacious, you are mad cool, and I look forward to getting to know you more whether just chatting on IM or thru blog...you're cool peeps. T-Cas, you are so cool. I know others are faulty acting and you rarely warm up to people, so I'll just lurk around your blog until you warm up to me. LOL

I've been having the same best friend since 6th grade. 18 years....That's from ponytails to wraps....from tomboy gear to sophistication....from Eastlands to stilletos. She's been my girl through thick and thin. No matter what, we've had each other's back. Our differences balance us out....I love hip-hop, she loves R&B, hates hip-hop....she's a Muslim, I'm a Christian. It doesn't come in between our relationship, because we respect each other and always have. We had a period where we weren't speaking because I HATED her baby daddy. I mean, she hated mine also, but mine weren't in the picture to where she constantly saw them doing me dirty. This punks actions were in my face all the time and she was blinded to it. She had never been like that with anyone at all. It was one of those things where I was like, man, he was caught in so much dirt, but she was still there. I was like, man, what is going on? I found myself backing away from her, and I hate I did. But she did also. I kinda got tired of hearing about his trifling butt, and she probably got tired of me knocking him. Anyway, we didn't talk for awhile, but it felt empty....I reached out to her and since then, we've been tighter than ever, and I'm so glad. 18 years of friendship is not worth losing over some b/s, and that's real.

Now, I have one friend who drains the hell out of me. Well, one of 2 friends who drain me with their men problems. But this particularly one is 40 years old and I'm lecturing her like she's 18. She's divorced with 2 boys. Her husband cheated many, many times and when her divorce was final, man, it was like, girl slow the hell down. I felt like she was handing out her goods like candy ALL the time, to anyone. I was like, man. She met this guy online, they were 'together' for like a year or so....he was coming here, she was going there...he talked of marriage with her, etc, etc. I told her, be careful, he doesn't seem right for real. She didn't listen. Last month she found out that he had just had another baby by this other woman he met online, and he was going to marry this chick. WHOA! My girl was crushed...understandable. I talked to her through it as much as I could. She wanted to keep calling him, trying to understand why. I told her to stop doing that. You know all you need to know. Stop taking his calls, don't try to hang on every day. Your healing needs to begin NOW....cry, get it out, and lets get through this.

Y'all, I thought she was doing good. She was dating other people, not taking his calls. That was a month ago when all this hit the fan. She's cool, right? Um, no. She went on a date this weekend with this guy. Her 2nd date with him. She seemed to be liking him. Well, she texted me this morning....she's at home crying cause she talked to the other guy who cheated on her. Her exact words....I let ___ go. So, I'm looking at my phone like WTH? U were supposed to be working on healing...why did you take his call? Missing work, at home crying, for what? She knows I'm real with mine. I didn't sugar coat a damn thing. I told her how I felt thru text message. Didn't feel like calling her at all. I told her, you opened up wounds that you should be getting over. You didn't need closure. You know what the hell happened, so you should've left it alone. I told you to leave it alone. Now you sitting at home crying over him AGAIN. All that crying and snotting should've been done 3 weeks ago. Yeah, I know she was reading my message like, this cold hearted trick. Well, whatever....cause I'm like, I've been where you are, and dragging the hurt on after you are trying to heal will get you nowhere. You dating, but still snotting over him? I mean, dang. I know for darn sure she's gotten her some since this incident with him, so I told her......stop passing it out like candy, cause you are vying for attention somewhere. Calm yo butt down. Work on YOU and stop putting all those miles on your twat.

Later on today, she asked me to call her at home...I told her give me a minute. That was 3 hours ago. I don't feel it. Sorry, but I don't. Cause we are going to have the same conversation we had a month ago. So, I think I'll just tape record my voice going off, keeping it real, so when she feels she needs to hear it, she can play it. Honestly, I don't want to hear it.

Besides her, I have a couple of other friends who are my true friends also. And I think I'm the realest friend they have. I don't sugar coat, beat around the bush, or let them make fools of themselves. Maybe that's why I'm always dishing out advice to them and others. They love me so. LOL One of my girls told me she didn't know what she would do without me. I told her be in a bunch of crap, cause no one keeps it real to her like I do. I don't tell you what you want to hear, I tell you what you need to hear.

All the friends who are close to my heart, I cherish them. And I look forward to fun times to be with the friends and associates I've gained. Especially one in particular.....but we'll see how that goes and if he'll let me truly befriend him or if he'll just make me lay around and wonder. Hmmmm....can't wait to see. Can't wait to see.

Holla atcha girl.

What can I say, I'm tired y'all.....

2006-11-03T06:53:00.000-08:00

I'm tired, y'all. I can't even explain how tired I am. But I am.

Tenacious, I used to never be someone who cried either. When I am pissed off, I just feel like I'm about to explode. I've been told that I'm very mean and cold hearted, and yes, I can be. But only to people who have rubbed me the wrong way. I'm very forward, but I'm still lovable. LOL
Lately, when I'm so stressed and I feel like I can't take it anymore and it's one thing after another, I just break down. Man, I hate when I do that, but the tears just come from out of nowhere.....if I think about being tired of this struggle and all the things I go through.... I friggin break down. I hate it because I'm known for being really strong, and crying makes me feel so weak. And I'm not weak...I'm just not.

I'm raising my sons by myself and it's important to me that my sons stay active in their individual talents. Talents meaning things I noticed early in their lives they were good at. Not things I wanted them to be good at. I'm not one of those parent who make their kids do certain sports or whatever so I can live through them. Nah, that's not me. I just paid attention to their likes when they were toddlers and found their niche. My oldest son has been playing basketball and football since he was 4. He's 12 now. His favorite sport is basketball and the boy is nice on the court. Nonchalant, not cocky, but very nice on the court. Always one of the top ballers on the team as long as he's played. My youngest son has always loved music. Mainly gospel music and anything music related. When he was one, he would sit on my lap at church and mimic the choir director. I mean, do everything they did, and did it RIGHT. LOL...it was to the point where people would watch him if they were around him. Any instrument he picked up, you could tell he picked up things by ear.

So he started piano at 5 and then drum lessons later that year. My youngest is now 8, he plays around on the keyboard, but he is still with his drum lessons. He's been reading percussion music for about 2 years now and he plays the drums at church. I am so proud of my sons, and I know I'm the reason they are involved in things and not just sitting around. That's very important to me. Above that, my kids are excellent students, also. I bust my butt to keep them focused and on the straight and narrow, but, I'm tired. I'm not saying, I'm giving up, but I'm tired.

I know that all I'm doing will pay off. I know this, but that doesn't stop me from feeling defeated a lot of times. I know that many women have accomplished this same task way before me, but that doesn't stop me from being tired. I work full time, go to school part time, and then handle all the things for my sons on top of other things. I thank God for my Uncle who helps me a lot financially and otherwise. I really do. Without him, man. I'm in school working towards my nursing degree and it's hard trying to study while you are tired from working all day and trying to stay on top of my kids homework also. I need to figure out a better way to get my study on because I can't let go of this dream. But sometimes I feel like I'm doing too much. So I find myself breaking.

I used to be that girl getting her hair and nails done every week. I have a serious tennis fetish....new J's came out, uh, I was there. The next Air Max's out, I was there. Anyone that knows me, knows, that was how I was. I feel like I work every day, but can do nothing for me. My kids are always first and foremost on getting things. I'm not that moma who's geared and her kids are looking a mess. Nah, not me, never been me. My boys are always number one. If someone wants to get me something for my birthday or Christmas, if I know there' something I want my boys to have and can't get it right then, I'll tell that person to spend that money on them. That's how I am. That's how it's supposed to be. This is not a pity party for me...I just had all of this on my mind, so I had to write it. I keep having car trouble on top of other things, and it's always when I can't afford to handle it myself, so I have to depend on my Uncle. I hate doing that.

I'm 30 years old, and I'm so independent, and I'm so tired of having to depend on him. But right now, I have no choice. I take care of my rent, bills, and whatever else I can...but when I say I'm living paycheck to paycheck, I mean it literally. I'm not trying to go back home, so I'm doing all I can to stay out on my own. I wish I had time for a 2nd job, but with school and my boys, I don't have time.

I remember one day this guy made a comment that I never get my hair done and it made me snap. The thing was, it hurt so bad knowing that I work every day, but can't do anything for me. This is something that has bugged me for awhile, but I can't really help it right now. Very rarely can I do anything for me. So, I snapped on him. Snap, crackle, popped on him, and so did my cousin. I hate when people open their mouths not fully knowing the circumstances. I told him until he got on my level of responsibility to shut the hell up. He called his self trying to be cute in front of his girl, and got his face cracked in front of her.

Because of things like not being able to go get my hair done or whatever, my self-esteem has went down. Not a lot, but I'm very self-conscious about a lot. I just am. I can't even explain it for real. I just know how I feel from day to day...but I try to push forward and keep my head up. Like I said, I hate feeling weak, cause I'm not. I don't like for my boys to see me down, so I try to not be so short tempered with them because of stress...but man....I need to do something.

I had to vent about this because it's just been bothering me and last night, I cried. It just came out of nowhere....after dealing with some stuff last night, I just cried. Every since my mother died when I was 18 1/2, when things go wrong, I cry and wonder what she thinks about how I handle things. I know she's proud of me, but I wish she was here so I could talk to her about somethings...I have my Grandma, my cousins, my best friend, my other 2 or 3 friends I'm tight with, but I don't have my mother....and that takes it's toll on me also.

I'm finished with my sob story today....I promise my next post won't be like this. LOL

Re-Evaluation, Cutting Players, & Taking Applications

2006-10-27T09:27:00.000-07:00

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm way behind in blogging. The last time I wrote was 10 days ago, dang.

This past Sunday, your girl turned 30 years old. 30....damn, I honestly feel like besides my kids, what have I accomplished? I'm working towards my degree, and trying to hang in there. I have no 'potential' men who are qualified for a permanent spot in my heart, and I don't really care for my job. BUT, thank God, I have one. So, this week, I'm re-evaluating my life. Time to cut all the bull crap out and leave all that b/s from my 20's behind.

By that I mean, I'm tired of having a sex buddy and settling for that, so I can have a steady supply, when I know deep down, I want a relationship. A man that is mine....not just someone I call on the late night creep. I came really close to once again settling for that with someone on Wednesday, but I took a step back and told him, nah, I'm good on that, I want more. Take care. Haven't heard from him since and really I don't care. He actually lost his spot on my team a month ago when he got ghost without warning, so whatever. Deleted his numbers from my phone.

I have this other friend of mine, who has been sweating me for a long time. Now, I'm not saying I'm all that, but yeah, he's been sweating me. But he was my boy, and yeah, I overstepped that friend boundary with him when I shouldn't have (he had a girl). He would always call me to vent about her and all of that, and he would stop by my house from time to time....one day, things turned frisky and from then on out every time we were together....man, it would be on! I mean, back blown outtttt....our chemistry was great...but he had a girl, and even though we were cool, I knew I was wrong. One of my girls is his cousin, so I am always at their family functions, and to see him with his girl all the time but he's texting me on the low, it was like, man, I'm his friend/side chick for real. Enough of that. So I told him I was backing up. Tired of doing wrong. Why, why, why would we get into a knock down, drag out fight EVERY time I tried to back up from him? Every damn time....I would always end up hanging up on him. I mean, drained and pissed cause he took me there all because I'm trying to tell him I can't be his side item anymore....he would be like, but we are friends....man, we just friends. Nah, dude, we are banging and arguing.....uh, love/hate? LOL Why did the chick finally talk him into marrying her at the court house when she found out she was pregnant? He didn't tell me though, I found out from my girl. I said, really, cause 2 weeks ago, he was calling begging to come thru my spot. Interesting.

His azz wasn't ready to be married, fa sho. Ok, so he's married now, right? Still trying to call me and crap saying we were friends and you act like we can't hang. Nah, we can't hang cause 1) if we so cool and JUST friends, why your wife don't know about your friendship with me? 2) You know damn well, you want to dig my guts out, so save the friend crap. I don't do married men, and having him call me while my hormones are jacked up and crap...too risky thinking about our memories. So I told him on Wednesday (yeah, I was on a roll Wed...LOL), we can't be friends, too risky, gotta give you your cut notice. He was like, WTF? Sending me text messages, are you sure this is what you want, think about what you're doing. Think about what I'm doing? Am I about to jump off a bridge? Am I the one married to you and walking away? I mean, what is there to think about? Uhhh, I know what I'm doing, so whatever. Then he says, you're giving up on me. HUH? Dude, you married....he was like, fine, act funny. Man, man, man....I just said, whatever, take care. Does he not text me back later that night saying, call me, I said, nope. I know that PISSED him off....LOL...he calls me, I didn't answer, he calls me again, I didn't answer. Dude, I'm serious. Deleted his number out my phone. I know his number by heart, but still, when you cut, you cut. You don't get a spot in my phonebook.

Please believe, he is not giving up, he'll be calling again this weekend saying, can I see you. Uh, nah, dude...I put some money on it that he's been thinking about how to get me to talk to him again since that day. Not worried about his wife and baby on the way, but about how he's going to get our friendship back. That's how he is, and that's why I know he wasn't ready to get married. He just got married for convenience. Damn shame.

That's 2 cuts I made in one day. And seriously, I'm thinking of some more I need to make, but we'll see. People want the goods, but not the commitment...I'm past that stage in my life. I'm trying to prepare myself for Mr. Right. Not sending out a search party for him, but I'm keeping my eyes open, cause your girl is tired of the single life. Been tired of it. I'll enjoy it while I can, but at the same time, I'm taking applications for new players. Starters, not bench warmers. All the people I connect with seem to be out of town. That sucks, for real. I've did the long distance thing, and it doesn't work. But I have some mad cool friends out of town, and I wish they lived here so we could kick it. Oh well, I'll just have to be content with my visits from them (and yeah, that's ANOTHER invite, you know who u are) and hopefully me and Mr. Right will cross each other's paths one day. I'm a cool chick, and yeah, I have 2 sons, but like I was telling someone the other day, that only stops things if you let it stop things. I know how to divide time and still give people the attention they need. My sons and my man. I'm a bomb multi-tasker, dammit!
LOL

Let me back track real quick, not all out of town friends are good ones. I got a text from my friend who is in the Army, well, until he recently got kicked out...yeah, kicked out for some b/s. Dummy. He was like, how was your b-day, I said, cool, kicked it. He said hope you didn't give up my goods. I was like, man, whatever, we aren't together, never have been, so come again.....he's like, whatever, stop playing SynSational. No, you stop playing, and wake the hell up....Uh, dude, we talk every 2 months, you are NOT my man....said he was going to call and cuss me out later....LOL....whatever suits you, playa, whatever suits your crazy butt. I told him he is sounding rather STALKERISH, cause uh, y'all he argues with me about that all the time. He has NEVER had a sniff of the SunShyne, so uh....yeah. Question: Is it possible for someone to be delusional after leaving Iraq late last year? I'm just asking. Seriously....he had more sense when he was over there. Do I sense a cut coming? I don't do crazy and stalkerish either. I'll ponder on this one.

Anyway, the killer thing is, people will be with me, say I'm a good woman, they're glad I'm in their life, then it's like they get scared and bam, they get ghost without warning...but then, it never fails, they regret leaving me. But me, I don't rewind the tape....I've made that mistake too many times, and I've learned, rewinding the tape to past episodes isn't healthy at all. More heartache that could've been avoided, so instead of holding on to my hope or comfort zone from past men, I am trying to branch out and find comfort elsewhere. Taking applications people, taking applications.

Holla atcha girl.

I don't like timid men...I DO NOT like timid men.

2006-10-17T09:29:00.000-07:00

Before I begin, let me say Happy Birthday!!!! to my oldest son...he's 12 today....dang, I feel old. Not that he's reading this or anything, but still, gotta give a shout out to my first born.

Anyway, Rob has been waiting on me to post about my weekend date with this one guy. Remember the 34 year old, tall dude from the post about my friends party. And I thought he was more my type than the other guy? Well, I was wrong, wrong, wrong....he's too damn timid acting for me. Let me tell you about the night we met up to watch movies. Yeah, movies...did I mention, he's boring....well, he is.

We had talked all week on the phone, cool conversation for the most part. So I had no problem hooking up with him. He told me he was a home body, etc, etc...whatever. So anyway, I told him that I would stop thru Saturday night about 8 or 9'ish depending on when I finished my errands and dropped my boys off. He was like ok, cool. It was about 7:15 or so, so I called him because I knew I was running a little late. Trying to be courtesy, ya know? Side note: I have a cousin I'm close with and she's been very sick lately, so she can't drive or anything, so it was my turn to help her out, run errands for her daughters, and I was at Wendy's letting them get something to eat, and had to do some other stuff....ok, so I called him, didn't get him, so I called him back at 7:45. When he answered he said, where are you? I thought I was tripping, and thought he said, how are you? So I asked him, what did you say? He repeated it, and I said, running errands...played him off...but I was thinking, you aren't my man, and I'm not due over there yet, so don't be ?'ing me...are you crazy? Strike one.

Anyway, I basically gave him a run down letting him know it may be later than I expected because I was helping fam out...but, (pay attention to what I'm about to say, ok) I will be stopping by there. I'm not backing out. Does he not do a little sigh like, here we go, like I was trying to make up a lie or something? Yeah, that pissed me off. I was being courteous calling yo azz and you trying to act like a beyotch about it? I'm helping FAMILY...blood is thicker than water, sweetie...so uh, you acting shady? Yeah, ok....strike two for the night. So then does he not ask me....so are you not coming at all or you are coming later. WTH? Did you all not read I said I WAS coming through, it just might be a little later. It wasn't even 8 yet, people. Not even 8. I repeated what I had already said and got off the phone. Told him I would call him after I got to my cousin's house to make sure she didn't need anything else from me. He was like, ok.

So I called him at about 8:15, 8:20 or so, and tell him that my plans were to go home and change and then head over there. I had on a Chiefs sweatshirt, jeans, tennis shoes. I was going to get out of my tomboy mode, get girly. Ya know...did he not say, GO HOME AND CHANGE? Like that would prolong it about 10 hours? It would've made me get over there at about 9, 9:15. No later...so from his tone...I quickly changed my mind and thought, you know what, eff him....tomboy it is. Strike 3 for him. Why I was even still going, I don't know. Maybe because I keep my word on things, but I should've took my butt home....he was basically striked out and I already knew I wouldn't be calling him anymore. So I tell him, give me directions to your house, cause I'm on my way now. He is like, call me when you are on 63rd St., so I can tell you more from there. I've been here all my life....he lives off of one of our main streets...I know my way around KC, mf'er. I said, uh, yeah, ok. Got off the phone....why did I call him back in 5 minutes, yeah, 5 minutes, and said where do you live at? So he gives me directions...I say oh, you live in ____ subdivision? He's like, yeah. I'm thinking, idiot....so I arrive at his house in 4 minutes....and I call him let him know I'm outside...he acting all surprised, I found it. Whatever....easy to find, so I'm thinking, he must think I'm a dumb chick or something...pissing me off even more.

So, I go in, sit down, he sits down after me on the opposite end of the sectional. Fine with me. He tries to start up chit chat or whatever, but he's boring me. He keeps asking me stupid stuff, so I give him short answers. He's like you seem tense, I'm like, nah, I'm cool, just tired. He's like you could've went home, came another time. In my head, I'm screaming, I wanted to get this shyt over with TONIGHT, but I said, nah, I'm cool, I keep my word, wouldn't back out at the last minute. So he keeps saying the same thing...I said, look, I'm cool, ok? I wonder if my eyes were as red as I was feeling? Hmmm...anyway, he then starts to analyze me, I guess. He starts saying stuff about my personality. He tells me that he thinks I'm controlling. Uh, what? Then he says, I like to dominate conversation....and I'm very opinionated. I'm sitting there looking at this punk, like, excuse me? So THEN he says I need to learn how to sugar coat things. I said sugar coat, meaning lie? He said, no sugar coat. I said, I'm forward, I don't sugar coat, might break it to you lightly, but I don't sugar coat anything. I'm forward, that's that. So, I start up on the controlling thing he mentioned...yeah, I started up. I said, I'm controlling how? Because I'm far from controlling....so uh, where you get that from? So he's stammering and saying maybe he read me wrong...yeah, maybe you did, but tell me why you say that. I mean, there's a reason. So he doesn't say, then later on when I called him on it again (hell, I needed to know where he got that from) says he was just playing....mf'er please. So then I'm like, opinionated, huh? I said, yep, I have opinions and I don't just agree with people just because, to satisfy that person, so yeah, I guess I am, but anyone with a backbone has opinions. **crickets** I said, and I like to dominate conversation? Uh, what? I've never dominated a conversation with anyone (maybe my kids...LOL), but that's not me at all. I'm so laid back, feisty, but laid back....but I will voice my opinions. So I told him, you read me wrong...and he's still stammering and crap. I tune him out. F'er. You don't know me, punk. LOL

So then he is like, well I didn't know you were coming right over and I didn't get to take a shower. I thought you were going home first. What??? I told you I was coming right over on the phone....so, come again? So, I'm like, ok, whatever, go ahead....more time WITHOUT you, the better. So he gets up to take a shower and he comes back shortly and sits back on the other end....then does he not say, why are you sitting all the way over there? Ok...I sat down before you when I got here, haven't moved, and you waltzed your azz over there and sat at the end again...so tell me again, why I should move? So, I just laugh. Then he says the view of the TV is better over here. Y'all, I am so tired of him, and I'm thinking, you are an idiot, and it took all my might not to scream, you are sooo stupid, you know that. Man, I wanted to just fight him right then and there....sorry, but neighborhood SynSational wanted to beat him down...for real. I hate timid men. Hate it. So, I sigh really heavy, and I move over next to him to save him from my smart mouth, cause when I throw blows, I throw BLOWWWSSS, for real....when I move, does he not say, see, the view is better over. It's a damn sectional, TV smack dab in the middle...so I said, it's the same view and if you wanted me to sit by you, just ask, dang. He laughed it off, but I know he was thinking, dang. I didn't laugh at all...didn't crack a smile. So what...closed mouths don't get fed, especially with me. Timid ass. Acting like he's 15, not 34. Acting all scary. I couldn't get out of there quick enough.

I sit there for a little bit longer. While he was taking his 'shower', he missed some parts of 48 hours Mystery that was on (yeah, that's what we were watching) so he comes back asking all kinds of ?'s and crap. I wanted to say, if you would've stayed down here, maybe, just maybe you would know, but I told him, I'm not really paying too much attention to it, but I answered what I could. Did his ?'s about it not keep coming.....I'm beyond p'd at this time....I look at him and say, I really don't know, didn't see that part. He looks at me like, huh? I just rolled my eyes. **crickets** I'm praying my phone rings 'We are Family' cause that means it's someone in my family calling and I have to go....no calls....not even from my damn best friend who always calls me when I'm with new people. Guess she was too busy getting her damn back blown to detect our ESP...hell. I even called my cousin and told her to call me later at a certain time...did her butt call....nope. Not even a damn text message came through...I'm the text message queen...I text people all day, vice versa...nada, nothing. So, about 30 minutes goes by....silent as hell, mummies watching the TV...I'm thinking, I've got to bounce, I'm about to be out....then I get a text message...from a punk I don't want to talk to, who's married and still trying to get at me....man, I wanted to cry. I wasn't even going to answer him cause then he would be texting all night. I don't do married men....so then ol dude says, I guess I'm about to go to bed. I was like, yeah, ok, that's cool. I gather my stuff, and he's looking all surprised.

I'm looking like, what? He's like, I really don't want you to go, but I was trying to give you an out because you seemed bored. **crickets** I didn't say a damn thing. Kept my mouth shut to avoid hurting his feelings....I'm trying to not be so blunt all the time. LOL....so then he keeps saying it, and I say, nah, it's cool, I'm tired anyway. So he's standing there looking silly and I'm inching towards the door....then he's acting like he wants a hug or whatever, but I don't say anything. I'm trying to get to my car and bounce. If you want a hug, you ask...I don't read minds and since I'm not feeling you, I will not initiate anything. So finally he says something about a hug but not knowing how I would react. I told him, if you want one, ask. So he asks, I give him one, and he says the same thing about not wanting me to go...I was like, nah, I'm good...I'll call you tomorrow....yeah, needless to say, didn't call him Sunday or Monday, and don't have plans to call him any other time......I don't like timid men....man....and there was my Saturday night.

Holla atcha girl...

You've got to be kidding me. Right?

2006-10-16T08:28:00.000-07:00

Hey peeps.....I know y'all are anxiously awaiting my weekend story. LOL....uh, yeah, all 3 of my damn readers are awaiting. LOL. As it was happening, I kept thinking, I have to blog about this crap Monday! Man.

Ok, background info: I am the only child, but I have 2 God-brothers who are very close to me. One is 10 years younger than me (he just turned 20 last week) and the other is 12 years younger than me. We've been close for years. I mean, since they were really little. Their mother adopted me as her daughter when I used to date her oldest son in our early teens and then again in my 20's. Anyway, I am always with them, or when they were younger they were always with me...over my house, over my Grandma's....just anywhere. We are very tight like real siblings...when something goes wrong, we call each other. They help me out with my boys a lot since I'm a single parent. If I can't leave work, they will do whatever for me if they can. I meet their girlfriends, vice versa...My God-mother is a big help also. Ok, so needless to say, we are always together, but as they've gotten older and more busier, we don't spend as much time together like we used to. It's nothing for them to call me when they are out and about and say, I'm on my way over. Or for me to do the same thing.

So when my youngest brother (I rarely say God-brother, because we are that close), was calling me this past week and last week cause he was bored, I thought nothing of it. But I was really tired and already sleep or I wasn't home. So he didn't come by. Well, Friday night, he was out and about, so he calls me at about 1:00 a.m. and I'm like, man, dang. But he was close to my house and for him to drive home would've been like 30 more minutes at least....he said he was tired. Ok, cool. So he comes through and he's laying across the foot of my bed, and we start talking about me going on a date the next day (I'll blog about that b/s tomorrow). So he's like, I'm going to take you on a date. I didn't think nothing of it, because they always tell me things like, man, stop looking for someone, he'll come when he comes. Just things to cheer me up if I was ever down about being single. So, I was like, yeah, ok. So he's like, I'm serious. I'm laughing him off. So then he is like, man, stop laughing. So then he starts saying that he doesn't look at me like a sister for real anymore and he's been having a crush on me for a long time.

Ok, felt like I ran into a brick wall head on. I mean, dang, huh, where this come from? So, I'm still trying to play him to the left cause man, yeah, right. He's playing. He's a jokester like that, so I'm hoping he's playing. We are watching TV, I'm quiet, and he keeps saying stuff. So, I'm like, where did this come from _____? He's like, it's been awhile, I mean, you're not blood, so, you know. I'm like, whoa....dang. This is weird. Really weird. I mean, I felt like, man, dang. How do I tell him I don't look at him anything other than a brother? I have to choose my words carefully, for real. And he's way younger than me....I mean, dang (not that I would consider if he was older, but I'm just saying). So I'm still quiet, and eventually he gets up to leave cause I'm falling asleep (or faking falling asleep to avoid the issue at this moment). So he's like, I'm about to go...cool....so I walk him to the door and he hugs me. THEN....he did it.....he tried to kiss me. I was like, no _____. It's not happening. Does he not try to forcefully hold my face and do it. I was like, man, nah. Good night and basically open the door to let him get out. Told him to let me know when he made it home safe, and that was that. He called to let me know he made it home and I went to sleep.

I haven't talked to him since, and we need to really talk about this. But I have to choose my words carefully. He may not look at me like a sister anymore, but I still look at him like a little brother. I understand that crushes happen and all of that. But man, this hit me hard because like I said, I'm very close to them and I've never had real brothers, and for him to come at me like that, I know our relationship is forever strained behind this. I'm like, dang, how will my visits be to my God-mother's now? So, anyway, that was that...and yeah, I think I've tried to block it out, but I know sooner or later, I'm going to have to face what happened and talk to him. Dayum.

Get at me.

TRUTH OR DARE

2006-10-11T13:46:00.000-07:00

Updated 10/11/06 3:52 pm CST

Although I don't have many TRUTH or DARE questions that have been thrown my way as of yet, I'm going to post the ones that have been. But here's a disclaimer I snatched from Rob's page, and he snatched from Trish...LOL :

How do you play? Well, I'm so glad you asked. You comment on this "Truth or Dare" post with either TRUTH or DARE. I will respond with a question or a dare (in my comments), and then you must post your response on your blog so that I can make sure you actually did it. How about we make the title something along the lines of Truth or Dare?! (Cuz you KNOW I'ma check on ya) THEN, you get to ask me Truth or Dare. Here are a few suggested guidelines:

~Let's not ask to see pics of each other (completely) naked. The idea is to get to know each other better, not embarrass each other.
~Ask interesting questions
~If you do a dare, it has to be something that can be easily shown by posting a pic online
~Let's not get crazy with the dares :D

Ok, here goes:

If you haven't seen it on T-Cas's page, he hit me with a TRUTH, and his question was:

SynSational, why haven't you started a blog? - My answer to him was I didn't really have time for real, but after thinking more on it, I was like, ok, why not...so, there it is, I started my blog thanks to T-Cas and Rob asking me about it. Now, that I've begun this journey, I'm soooo happy I did because I get to now share my thoughts and experiences with the blog world, as well as meet new bloggers who are very interesting and seem to be good people.

Trish also hit me with a TRUTH. She asked me:

Do you wish it had worked out between you and your baby daddy? -My answer to this is, no, I have no regrets whatsoever about it. We weren't meant, and I can honestly say that my life is better without them in my life. Their actions as a non-existent parent speaks volumes as far as what kind of person they are. I can do bad all by myself. Plus, we are on totally different levels and what the attraction was then was something I realized was not for me in a relationship. They chose to not to be a part of my boys lives, and I'm not one to act crazy with someone to make them do something they should be doing in the first place, so I just live my life and take care of my sons. They will get theirs in the end.

Rob hit me with a TRUTH:

I stole this from The Mistress but I would love to know your thoughts on a 3some....have you ever done it, would you ever, 2 guys and you or you with 2 guys?????? -My answer, whoa, Rob, dannnnggg....LOL...ok, nah, a 3some has never crossed my mind as far as wanting to participate in one. That's not my style. I'm more of a one on one girl...I'm not trying to share time with anyone and I'm not into having 2 guys on me at once. I like one on one interaction, just me and whomever. So yeah, I'll pass on the 3some. To each it's own, but that's not my cup of tea.

If anyone else has a TRUTH or DARE question for me (Rob, I'm still waiting on yours), then hit me up and I'll post my answer here.

Saturday Nite Live? Or not....

2006-10-10T06:11:00.000-07:00

First, let me say, Trish I saw your TRUTH question for me and I have your answer, I will post it tomorrow.

I figured I better get on this post about my weekend, before Rob TRIED to come to KC and beat me down. LOL. I mentioned in my last post about my friend having a 40th birthday party. Well, the DJ was cool, playing old skool cuts mixed in with new stuff. He was real cool....the food was ok for the most part. It was one of those parties where the females outnumbered the men, so basically I was sitting back just watching people dance and getting my laugh on. The DJ loved to two-step, so the few women there that saw that, were all over him. Let me stress that again, ALLLLLL over him. I mean, a slow song coming on, they're running up to him. I'm sitting at the table with this other women I'm cool with, and we are just shaking our heads. The day I make a fool of myself over a man, is the day I need to get the taste smacked the hell out of my mouth. It was ridiculous. Needless to say, it was pissing my girl whose party it was, off! See, her and the DJ had 'plans' (LOL) after the party. So, she was looking like, I'm about to cut some tricks in here. I'm just sitting there watching the action unfold. Crazy.

Let me back up a minute, my girl turned 40, so I told her that I know I was going to be one of the younger ones there, so therefore, don't be having a party full of 40 plus men. So, the DJ invited his cousin. Cool, right? Uh, maybe not. The party's going on for a couple of hours, then this guy walks in. Dark-skinned, short, ok looking, attire is so-so....looking like he just threw on some shorts, and was like, eff it, I'm just stopping thru anyway. Let's call him Short Dude. M'kay. When he walked in and went to the DJ area, I was thinking, nah, man...nah. So I don't pay attention to him for real, and I'm still walking around, talking to people. I keep seeing this one guy walk around in the hall way who was flirting with me really hard earlier, so I'm trying to ignore him...but he's like pacing in front of the door, winking and crap. Wouldn't you know it, at this time, I have to go to the bathroom REALLY bad, and guess where the bathroom was...in the damn hallway. Man, my friends noticed this guy and I'm like, whatever, I have to pee...they are like go ahead, I'm like, nope...finally I went. Came out the restroom, he stops me, makes small talk, I'm barely paying attention, then he says it, so, WHAT'S YOUR SIGN? I'm like, WTH? I'm like, um, Libra, trying so hard not to laugh in his face. So I just smile...he's like, you have a b-day coming up then, huh? I was like, yeah, but I'm thinking, or it could've passed....but anyway....so he says he's 25 and he's probably too young for me, I told him yeah, sorry.

I go back in to the party, get drove by my friends, and then I see Short Dude coming towards me out the corner of my eye. I'm 5'2 1/2 - 5/3...I had on 3 1/2 inch heels...yeah.... I saw him coming, knew what he was about to ask...I just slipped off my shoes. LOL. He's like, can I talk to you for a minute...ok, cool. I notice he's moving towards the dance floor. Uh, just ask me to dance, dang...so I follow him. We're slow dancing, and he's asking me alllll kinds of questions. I mean, there would be no need for us to have a first conversation on the phone cause uh, he asked me damn near everything on the dance floor! Here is the convo:

Short dude: How you doing tonight?
SynSational: I'm cool...yourself?
Short dude: I'm good, I'm good.
SynSational: **crickets**
Short dude: So what do you do in your spare time?
SynSational: I'm busy, so I mainly relax, go out to eat, movies, things like that.
Short dude: Do you know how to cook?
SynSational: (in my mind: WTF??) Yeah, I can cook.
Short dude: What can you cook...chicken? (I mean, he stressed chicken)
SynSational: (LOL) yea, I can cook chicken
Short dude: (smiling all hard and crap)
SynSational: **crickets**
Short dude: Girl, you smell good.
SynSational: Um, thanks.
Short dude: Girl, you so soft. Dang, you are soft...mmmm.
SynSational :(thinking: man, are you serious?) LMAO!!!
Short dude: What's so funny
SynSational: Your lines are weak (yeah, I'm blunt as heck, I know, but he needed to know so he can stop that foolishness with other women!)
Short dude: Ah, dang...sorry. (laughs) What's your favorite restaurant? Favorite food? Chicken?
SynSational: **crickets** (thinking: obviously you have a thing for chicken, dang...) Nah thats not my favorite food.
Short dude: So what do you do for a living?
SynSational: Work in insurance, go to school part time, single mother
Short dude: That's cool
SynSational: Yep....
Short Dude: Thanks for the dance, I'll talk to you later.
SynSational: Cool...

Now, I dance with him a couple of other times, cause like I said, the party was mainly female with a few men scattered here and there, and they were older, so I danced with him when he asked and he asked me tons of other questions, but I started to block him out. I just wanted to dance, not play 20 questions....geesh. In between taking a break from him, I was introduced to this other guy who this one guy I know invited...6'3, stocky, 34...yeah, cool. So we dance once, and he seems kinda shy like me, and after the dance, he thanks me, and he retreats back to his corner. Literally. I look for him later on, and he's on the wall in this chair sweating. I'm thinking, dang, is he that nervous? I'm mean, wiping his forehead and all. Maybe he was just hot, I dunno. Come to find out, he saw me, and was like, dang, who is that? So, I guess he was feeling me for real. Didn't know I still had it like that, but anyway, I've learned people will be all ga-ga over you, then get salty on you real quick, so I proceed with caution. Our mutual friend came and asked could he get my number, I get the 411 on him, yea, cool, he can have my number. Short dude asked for my number later on that night before I left, I gave it to him, but uh, I might've mixed some numbers up in it...LOL.

After all the tired lines that Short Dude and the hallway dude threw my way, I have to say the 34 year old was more my type. He called me on Sunday, we talked for awhile, and are supposed to hook up this weekend. We'll see, we'll see. But uh, after the party, my male friend that was also there, he retreated over my house until early Sunday morning. We are cool, but I know there's no chance for us..I'm sure I'll blog on him in a future post, cause we have blog worthy history...LOL. Anyway, he came over, and we talked about the party, and the dudes that were coming at me, and how everyone thought he was my man cause we're real cool...and then we chilled out together....m'kay. Yeah, Rob, it was a semi-MARSH session....LOL...That's that....oh yeah, I didn't have to go off on my girl, I decorated, and that was that.

Holla atcha girl

What a week it has been.....

2006-10-06T09:06:00.000-07:00

I am so glad it's Friday. I can't stress that enough. Not only is the work week over for me, but all the crap I've dealt with this week, will be over also. Maybe.

I mentioned in my opening post that I'm working towards getting my nursing degree. This is a goal that is very dear to my heart. But I feel like I'll NEVER get there....I work full time, and can only take a class a semester for right now. If there was any way, I could go to school full time and knock this out the way, man, I would be all on it....but I don't see it happening. I'm a single mother and I have to provide for my 2 men along with other bills. They give me strength to keep pushing forward, but man, I's tired.....seriously. I get to the point where I'm just drained sometimes. But I can do this...I'm SynSational, right? Yeah....I have to give myself pep talks ALL the time. Man.

Monday I had to handle somethings for school and without getting into a lot of detail on it (cause I'm not ready to do that), I have to find me another nursing school to try and get into. Crushed my heart....and yeah, I cried a river. I'm not a punk by any means. Will tell someone to 'man up' quick if they just tripping for no reason. But man, this was one of those times where I felt my faith sway. Where I felt like, what am I doing? Why does it seem like every road block that can be thrown my way, hits me right smack dab in the middle of my face. Black eye and all. I mean, dang. So yeah, y'all, ya girl shed some tears. But, let me say, I had a lot on my mind to begin with. Things that I was dealing with and then tried to push them to the back of my mind to handle my business at school. So yeah, I crumbled. I had class that night (it's a class I'm going to need regardless of what school I attend), and instead of going, I just stayed at home to get myself together. I knew people were going to ask me things about earlier that day, and I didn't want to deal with all of that. But I should've went....I let it get the best of me instead of fighting it, and holding my head up.

Tuesday was a so-so day. I was still breaking the news from Monday to people, but feeling rejuvenated and even looking into other schools. Mind you, while all of this is going on, I was dealing with crap with this one guy, who is acting real salty. I mean, real salty. Rob Mack knows the details and I'm sure a post will follow up on this in the near future. So, while trying not to think about how much salt this person is throwing out, I'm dealing with work crap also. I don't even do 1/2 the stuff I used to here at my job, but man, it's still frustrating. I train people damn near every day and the thing is, the people I have to train, act like idiots sometimes. I have this one guy who is in his mid 50's, maybe. Damn the task of trying to teach him how to IM people here or crap like that, cause he's one of those people who just want to live out in the mountains and sort his baseball collection and not deal with technology at all. He can't do 2 things at once, so me trying to show him how to multi-task is a trip. He's nice, so I handle him with kid gloves, but man, I don't have a lot of patience and since I'm nice to him instead of snapping, all Tuesday, my stomach was flipping from irritation all because I had to hold my tongue instead of going off on him. Went home, dealt with crap there....

Wednesday....man, I woke up, mind clear, this is going to be a good day. Looked at the calendar...it's the 4th, October 4th. Damn. 11 years ago on October 4th, I, being my mother's only child, had to make the decision to take her off of life support that she had been on for 2 days. My mother was diagnosed with lung cancer in Nov. '93, so she lived almost 2 years after being diagnosed. She did her chemo, lost her beautiful long hair, but she was still strong...never let her illness get the best of her. NEVER. That is another post in it's self....My Grandma wanted the decision to be mine and not theirs, since I was her only child. They didn't want to do anything I didn't want to do. I didn't want my mother just there, brain dead, and I'm holding on, so I took her off. Hardest decision of my life. Anyway, I was fine at first. Went to work, cool. I usually take off....not this year. I'm stronger, right? Uh, wrong. I kept crying, then I would stop, thinking ok, girl, you're cool. Then....my Grandma called to check on me. Man...I told her I was ok, got off the phone....cried some more. I went through that all day. I know my mother would want me to be stronger, and I try, but this week, I just felt defeated, so I wasn't. I even drove to school, parked, got out, felt weak, and got back in my car and went home. Yeah....defeated again.

Thursday was an ok day...had a church function to attend, and I slipped out early to watch Grey*s Anatomy...I know, I know....heathen, but man, my part there was really done, so um, yeah....that was wrong. I told my sons, after they take offering, I'm out and I was. I really need to work on doing better...I do, I know. I'm trying, believe me, I am.

So today is finally Friday, some of the things from this week are still on my mind, but it's cool, cause for the most part, I've conquered them and ready for the next tasks that I know lie ahead. One of my girls turned 40 last week (she's 10 years older than me and I swear I have more sense than her...teaching HER crap...anyway), and she's having a party tomorrow night, so I have to go and decorate and hope I don't have to go off on her. She has tendencies to over step her boundaries with people and when she does it with my family, well, we just give it to her straight, no chaser, so she says we're evil, blah, blah, blah....you would think she would learn to not come to us with b/s, but nope, she still does, and still gets told off. She says we are firecrackers with a VERY short stem...whatever....act like you have sense and you won't get your feelings hurt. Anyway, I'm sure I'll have stories to tell from her shing-dig and me having to tell her off. I told her before hand, I'm decorating and that's it, don't think I'm coming in there to be serving and crap. You better be glad I'm decorating. She was talking to me about her party, you know, INVITING me, right? Then she starts asking my opinion on colors, etc. Next thing I know, I'm like, uh, you act like I'm decorating or something. She said, you are. I said, uh, what? Then I told her off about that and told her to come correct and ask me right. So yeah, she did, I'm decorating and she bet not try to pull nothing else or she will get embarrassed. I warned her beforehand, so let her try me. She pulled the same thing with my cousin and my cousin told her no, she wasn't helping because you don't just invite people, then say, by the way, I need you to serve my cake. So um, yeah....the girl is a trip. I'll try and be nice to her, but she might get told off. LOL

Have a good weekend all.

Get at me.

Here I am World, Here I am.....

2006-10-05T13:31:00.000-07:00

Oh hell, I started this thing, now what am I going to say....

***crickets***

Dang. First, I want to thank T-Cas and Rob Mack for punking me into starting this blog. LOL. Now, I have to think of stuff to say AT least 3 times a week. Dammit!

For those who don't know me, let me give you a break down. I'm a single mother of 2 boys living in KCMO. I'm working towards getting my nursing degree (more on that later, I promise) while working full time, and keeping my sons active in their individual activities. Superwoman at her best...fa sho'!

Sorry this is so short, but I told y'all I was punked into this!!! Surprising what good looking men can talk you into. Rob, T-Cas, hope you're happy. I'm in this piece racking my brain and crap...that's ok...still got love for ya. M'kay...**muah**

I'm sure I'll have a lot to share with everyone on this blog, so stay tuned and check back in, cause please believe a sista has stories to tell.

Holla atcha girl.