SynSational Speaks.....

Friday, November 03, 2006

What can I say, I'm tired y'all.....

I'm tired, y'all. I can't even explain how tired I am. But I am.

Tenacious, I used to never be someone who cried either. When I am pissed off, I just feel like I'm about to explode. I've been told that I'm very mean and cold hearted, and yes, I can be. But only to people who have rubbed me the wrong way. I'm very forward, but I'm still lovable. LOL
Lately, when I'm so stressed and I feel like I can't take it anymore and it's one thing after another, I just break down. Man, I hate when I do that, but the tears just come from out of nowhere.....if I think about being tired of this struggle and all the things I go through.... I friggin break down. I hate it because I'm known for being really strong, and crying makes me feel so weak. And I'm not weak...I'm just not.

I'm raising my sons by myself and it's important to me that my sons stay active in their individual talents. Talents meaning things I noticed early in their lives they were good at. Not things I wanted them to be good at. I'm not one of those parent who make their kids do certain sports or whatever so I can live through them. Nah, that's not me. I just paid attention to their likes when they were toddlers and found their niche. My oldest son has been playing basketball and football since he was 4. He's 12 now. His favorite sport is basketball and the boy is nice on the court. Nonchalant, not cocky, but very nice on the court. Always one of the top ballers on the team as long as he's played. My youngest son has always loved music. Mainly gospel music and anything music related. When he was one, he would sit on my lap at church and mimic the choir director. I mean, do everything they did, and did it RIGHT. LOL...it was to the point where people would watch him if they were around him. Any instrument he picked up, you could tell he picked up things by ear.

So he started piano at 5 and then drum lessons later that year. My youngest is now 8, he plays around on the keyboard, but he is still with his drum lessons. He's been reading percussion music for about 2 years now and he plays the drums at church. I am so proud of my sons, and I know I'm the reason they are involved in things and not just sitting around. That's very important to me. Above that, my kids are excellent students, also. I bust my butt to keep them focused and on the straight and narrow, but, I'm tired. I'm not saying, I'm giving up, but I'm tired.

I know that all I'm doing will pay off. I know this, but that doesn't stop me from feeling defeated a lot of times. I know that many women have accomplished this same task way before me, but that doesn't stop me from being tired. I work full time, go to school part time, and then handle all the things for my sons on top of other things. I thank God for my Uncle who helps me a lot financially and otherwise. I really do. Without him, man. I'm in school working towards my nursing degree and it's hard trying to study while you are tired from working all day and trying to stay on top of my kids homework also. I need to figure out a better way to get my study on because I can't let go of this dream. But sometimes I feel like I'm doing too much. So I find myself breaking.

I used to be that girl getting her hair and nails done every week. I have a serious tennis fetish....new J's came out, uh, I was there. The next Air Max's out, I was there. Anyone that knows me, knows, that was how I was. I feel like I work every day, but can do nothing for me. My kids are always first and foremost on getting things. I'm not that moma who's geared and her kids are looking a mess. Nah, not me, never been me. My boys are always number one. If someone wants to get me something for my birthday or Christmas, if I know there' something I want my boys to have and can't get it right then, I'll tell that person to spend that money on them. That's how I am. That's how it's supposed to be. This is not a pity party for me...I just had all of this on my mind, so I had to write it. I keep having car trouble on top of other things, and it's always when I can't afford to handle it myself, so I have to depend on my Uncle. I hate doing that.

I'm 30 years old, and I'm so independent, and I'm so tired of having to depend on him. But right now, I have no choice. I take care of my rent, bills, and whatever else I can...but when I say I'm living paycheck to paycheck, I mean it literally. I'm not trying to go back home, so I'm doing all I can to stay out on my own. I wish I had time for a 2nd job, but with school and my boys, I don't have time.

I remember one day this guy made a comment that I never get my hair done and it made me snap. The thing was, it hurt so bad knowing that I work every day, but can't do anything for me. This is something that has bugged me for awhile, but I can't really help it right now. Very rarely can I do anything for me. So, I snapped on him. Snap, crackle, popped on him, and so did my cousin. I hate when people open their mouths not fully knowing the circumstances. I told him until he got on my level of responsibility to shut the hell up. He called his self trying to be cute in front of his girl, and got his face cracked in front of her.

Because of things like not being able to go get my hair done or whatever, my self-esteem has went down. Not a lot, but I'm very self-conscious about a lot. I just am. I can't even explain it for real. I just know how I feel from day to day...but I try to push forward and keep my head up. Like I said, I hate feeling weak, cause I'm not. I don't like for my boys to see me down, so I try to not be so short tempered with them because of stress...but man....I need to do something.

I had to vent about this because it's just been bothering me and last night, I cried. It just came out of nowhere....after dealing with some stuff last night, I just cried. Every since my mother died when I was 18 1/2, when things go wrong, I cry and wonder what she thinks about how I handle things. I know she's proud of me, but I wish she was here so I could talk to her about somethings...I have my Grandma, my cousins, my best friend, my other 2 or 3 friends I'm tight with, but I don't have my mother....and that takes it's toll on me also.

I'm finished with my sob story today....I promise my next post won't be like this. LOL

Posted by SynSational :: 6:53 AM :: 8 comments