SynSational Speaks.....

Monday, November 20, 2006

The 'L' Word....

....And if you think I'm talking about the 'L' word as in 'lesbian', think again. Nothing against those who choose that path, but it's not for me.....I loves me some men, do I ever, and if you read my blog on a regular, you should know that by now. But like my Mind Twin, Tenacious, lesbians seem to spot me anywhere, and migrate towards me. It never fails....but like I said, not knocking 'em, just not joining 'em. LOL

So yeah, I'm speaking on the other 'L' word. Love.

**didIjusttypethatdamnwordwithoutstutterin**

Love...hmmm. Now, let's not get it twisted. I have not given up on my vow with T-Cas to be cold-hearted and embrace the motto, 'We don't love them hoes or bruhs'...LOL...I haven't given up yet. Until I find a man who is going to do right by me and mine. Until then, yeah, I'm standing strong on my vow. Although I did see this dude yesterday that made me say, daaaaayyyuuuum, can you warm my heart? Sheesh....just for a minute? A second? Big teddy bear, tasty looking specimen of a man. I usually don't like big guys, but this one caught my eye, made me bat those lashes, arch that back, freshen the MAC lipgloss on the lips, and check him out like dang baby....where's your woman? He smiled, told me to smile cause it wasn't that bad, I said, I'm smiling, he said, inside, huh? I was thinking, if you only knew, if you only knew......he smiled again. Wonder if he read my mind....I should've got the number....I'm slipping. Man....I'm slipping.

My bad...about 'love'. Someone told me they loved me on Friday. Yeah. It threw me for a damn loop cause um, yeah, I know he used to love me, and I know how I feel about him, but dang, he put it out there. His situation is messy. Real messy. And I'm not trying to put myself out there like that. He wants to be with me, but right now, he can't.

When he told me that, I was like, ummmmmm, dang. For real? Man. I didn't really answer him back so to say. I kinda talked on what he said, and left it at that. I'm anxious to see what else he has to say if we talk today. After I commented on it, I had to leave for the day. No one has uttered that word to me or me to them since the mid part of last year. Was it last year? Hell, to be honest, I forgot what the hell the word actually meant. All that comes attached to that one little word.

I mean, I've talked to a lot of people since my last relationship, but I've never felt close to even loving someone. So when he said it, I was like, love? Then it got me to thinking, how do I really feel about this person? Really. I know how I used to feel about him. But how do I feel now?

I had a few conversations with him not long ago, and if I had another chance with him, I would take it. I feel he's the one that got away. He asked me to marry him, and at the time I wasn't ready. I was 23, I think, and marriage wasn't on my mind. Plus he's in the military and the thought of leaving my family not long after my mother's death, wasn't for me. It's obvious he still has serious feelings for me, and I have some feelings for him, I'm just ignoring them because of certain situations I don't want to get into. I can't expose myself like that. Not now. Not until I know the coast is clear.

This weekend I asked myself, are you thinking about this because you know that you have him wrapped around your finger OR are you thinking about this because you could possibly enjoy being with him again? I think it's the latter. **sigh** Damn, damn, damn, damn, damn. There go those darn feelings.

Why did he have to throw that word out to me like that? That word scares me. Especially in situations like ours. I'm not getting hopeful behind anything because I'm grown enough to know not to set myself up for hurt like that. So right now, I'm just seeing where this word leads us and if he'll keep expressing himself to me, which I'm sure he will, cause that's just how he is. Never fails to surprise me. He's stationed in another state, and I think he's trying to get out of his mess, and get stationed closer to me. Yeah, man....makes me wonder what 2007 has in store for me. Not pondering on it, just wondering.

I'm sure there will be more developing stories on this to come over time, until then, I'm still cold-hearted, T, don't worry. LOL

Get at me....

Posted by SynSational :: 9:09 AM :: 9 comments